the boy with pink balloons and poetry

Night Mares

2007-12-01T01:33:00.000+08:00

I've been dreaming lately of being late for my A Levels or having no table to sit on while i stare blankly at a million hands scribbling at top speed.

Why the eff am i dreaming about the exams when I've been done with them for over a week now?

Jig Is Up

2007-10-29T11:58:00.000+08:00

THE A LEVELS ARE HERE!

pray for my ascension to glorious grades. I think i might (hope i do too) visit my parish and pray for strength and faith.

That's what i need and would love to share with my friends.

Hi usha!

Monthly Roundup

2007-10-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

Please. Effing. Kill. Me.

Take the sharpest knife from your breastpocket and puncture my veins. Let me stare in a half-hearted symphonic stasis. I want to lay down my life. Suicide suicide genocide - cyanide effing pills and gas me up into a helium balloon.

Effing think its just focus and study but i shut the doors to screams and cries - why won't i die ? Effing is really wrong to mount on my horse and gallop away. I'm afraid, yet lovesick so kill me now. 2 years from that week in the future and will i listen to suffer ?

Take me to the cliff of your HDB and let me fall like paper. Tell me the void deck funerals and weddings mean the same thing. Heartbeat falsified truth of your God.

I won't pick up the phone so let me be.

Please. Effing. Let. Me. Die Soon.

It's on my palm anyway. Slightly off 2027.

2007-09-23T13:42:00.000+08:00

Mother

Her children are kept in pale white iceboxes,
their pink and nude shells like popsicles for a warm summer day.

The cupboards grin, a discreet shroud for smiling sickles and happy hammers that make her craftsmanship almost artistic.
The faucet cries knowing it’s an accomplice to homicide, pearls swimming in red.
Blood is indeed thicker than water.
She peels them, like an artichoke which only the heart is edible.
Each delicate human petal is plucked off – a classic game of love me not.
They love her, she – not.
Silk strands of mahogany strewn on crumpled pink chiffon, their eyes cold with frozen love for the warm woman.
Unpicks God’s hem, the children are almost threadless;
dismantled dolls.
She’s their God now.

Deoxygenated effervescence that fuels this hydrological symphony.
Graceful water babies steaming in drowning steel pots, their permanent backstrokes and flotsam fantasies amuse her.
Afloat for nine months, they fed off her amnion for suspension.
She’s merely paying them back for playing with her placenta.
Gruesome grievous gestation.

The pots chatter, their wafting breaths hug her heaving bosoms that expire today.
After all, there isn’t much of a difference.
They both begin with the same letter.
Mother of all murderers.

maybe one day i'll be famous and forget all the hurt i've seen.
Prelims was a laugh. Flunk.
I'm lost and have lost.
I miss school, takes my mind off things, of reality just for a few hours.

Word.

2007-09-03T17:08:00.000+08:00

I'm afraid after hundred odd days through the year 2007, I'm finally afraid. Afraid of what's coming towards me, afraid of relationships with other human beings, afraid of being myself.

I think nobody believes in inner beauty. Even I fall short in grappling with such beliefs. It's an image world. I'm so stupid.

Seven Twenty Six

2007-08-22T07:25:00.000+08:00

I'm lounging at home 'cause school hurts me & my mom needs me.

Besides the fact that my nose bled yesterday after 4-ish years and that i broke down in front of the idol everyone sucks up to, everything was a-ok.

Considering the fact that my head started throbbing and my ears flushed with intense heat while i tried my best not to stutter and cry for being so insulted by someone i have lost all respect for.

And to the so called A05 (literature) clique, thanks. I have never been humiliated, insulted and blamed for so many things in my life. I've managed to ace Project Work and the many other group works i've been assigned, but when it came to this, you guys majorly fucked it up. Trust me, I'll try not to bear grudges but most probably it's an empty promise. Things will never be the same. I'm in no mood to be matured about it. Inconslable? Fuck yes. If you guys know how much i've been suffering all these weeks with the added burden of one of you being a complete backstabber, you wouldn't even look at me.

I'm more then ever convinced that i have a brain tumour.
Throbbing jabs in my left brain + nose bleed = tumour?

So

2007-08-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

So much for today being the first day of the rest of my life.

You guys played the game too well. I'm struck out. Thanks.
And sorry. You guys have lost my trust.

Once again, the term " you guys " is collective and subjective. If you think you fall under the category of " you guys ", then join me in the countdown till the days we never cross paths.

The thought of pure vodkha sounds so welcoming.

I live to let you shine.

Camaraderie My Foot!

2007-08-17T23:19:00.000+08:00

When the infallible in your life happen to take a step that centers on the cracks of the human spirit, you know something is amiss.

Mother says she told me first 'cause I'm the stronger one. It's laughable how my left brain protests to the ticking of my heart. I'm institutionalised in Teck Whye Lane. Somehow I want to scream to the world about my plight but at the same time, i know around me, the environment will feign interest.

Cloud cover seems persistent and the horoscope on Sunday was right.

"Problems in school, seek the truth yada-yada-yada."

Damage report:
Alphabet Soup isn't talking to me ( thank god )
Gay Poser Teacher is as usual being Fucked Up (anally i suppose)
Never going to believe in camaraderie besides those from my inner circle.
My legs hurt from running to school often to scrape through the rusty gates

And the only reason why I've yet to end my life (and believe me i have had countless images of my funeral and death sequences etc. in my head) is because i know someday this hurt will all numb me. I would have the capabilities and abilities to maybe reciprocate all this eventually. Or maybe i could smile and laugh, in normalcy.

Monday, Practically Tuesday

2007-08-07T00:47:00.000+08:00

I found this the most amusing part of my weekend:

Haziq: Jaey, I think I'm falling in love!
Jaey : Chey, with who? N*** or J*** ?
Haziq: Nope, myself and you !

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the best damn friggin' amusing thing that made me chuckle each time i recite it in my head. And that Shaminah has to hint that me and Haziq might get together. After 6 years of friendship, you just get the vibes that such a thing won't happen. Indeed, i can't wait for our bachelor pad days in the coming future.

And my motto for the rest of the year is officially:

I Gave Up On School, Now I'm Cool.

My dream for this term is to be kicked out of General Paper lessons 'cause it's a waste of my time. I rather spent that time either being a pseudo social butterfly, eating my heart out or plainly snooping around in the library. I'm pretty sure I'm on my way to disaster. Disastrous success that is.

And i just realised the tone in this entry is so alike the tone of the real me that you would meet each day trying to be emo at Teck Whye Lane. How lame.

Slips ons.

Big Needles, Buffed Bods and A Friend

2007-08-04T14:17:00.000+08:00

And i would like to make this the soundtrack of my life. The medley where you play the french horn and clarinet while i blast away on my Tuba, never looking at the conductor because it's our song, not theirs. They won't know what it means, however they'll know when to judge.

I saw a very big needle pierce through my vein today. I never cried, I couldn't pee into a plastic bottle and stood behind a PJ rugger. Toilets are the place where all men converge only to have a chat with their little friends, waiting for the stream of consciousness to sent a shiver. I enjoy bus rides with the chocolate muffin eater, he tells the best stories and asks the best questions.

"What if you became gay?"
" I think your mum would break down."

We have the same odd behaviourial misconceptions, same taste buds, same language, same proximity.

I think i want to buy a toy camera and take a picture of my mother and paste it in my journal. I want her face to remind me why I'm in college and why I'm trying my best to succeed. Whenever I'd feel lonely in school i would talk to her and see her smile. I want to know that it's okay to feel insecure at times, 'cause it shows that we are humane individuals. I want to feel less angsty and share life with another.

Sometimes i wonder when i would die and said "What if it's tomorrow, Haziq? "

"Going out later? With who?"
"Alone"
"No friends?"
"(not really)"

For someone so brave, you seem so quiet.
I want to experiment with myself. Let hate cut my spleen out and let pulsations blast my heart into a million red fibers. I want you to put a surgical mask on, scalpel ready create an incision on my head. You know which nerve cells would ruin me. You know which neurons and synapses would allow me to be yours.

What if it really happened tomorrow?

School is Cool

2007-08-01T23:26:00.000+08:00

School is still a fucking waste of my emotions. I still hate the class and still despise the interactions i have with Mr. Alphabet Soup.

Mother's advice was and has always been to not trust anyone but family.
I'm desensitized and jaded. 89 more days to the beginning of my escape from Singapore and the fucking twits & twats that inhabit this place.

Can't even articulate & enunciate simple English words, yet they want to make baseless judgments.
I feel like skipping school again.

Hate my emotions, they distract me from my goals. Then comes the yearning for a touch and bus rides.
I'm very turbulent. No study of atmospheric processes would allow you to define and name me.
The hand doesn't respond to my chemical signals.

They say stem cells are totipotent. They have the potential to cure anything.
Nothing can cure homosexuality discrimination - maybe genocide would do.

I wonder why people deem 'fuck' a bad word. Four letters? Means sex? So?
I've met gazillion people who don't use the word fuck yet carry black hearts. They are the bad ones.

So...

Fuck the world. Live Merry and Boot-Lick. The worthless always make it in Singapore. Or maybe this is only relevant to PJC?

翼の音

2007-07-30T18:12:00.000+08:00

I always thought i would like to do something more interesting in this city. But in the end, I don't really know what that something is. But I came to realize something. I realized...
I probably can't do anything interesting by myself.

Need A Trippin' Life

2007-07-23T20:27:00.000+08:00

I wanted so badly to skip school today again. I guess running away from the Lit Journal Submission is not a good thing, but heck it, i did lose my journal so yeah. Plus the stupid toad with her "i've an attitude" attitude (omg that so doesn't make sense!)

I'm starting to love parenthesis.

Watched Freedom Writers after Harry Potter book 7. Now that's what a good teacher is supposed to be. Not the few in school. Sheesh! With the obvious exceptions of a few of course.

Shortbus was bloody effing literary brilliant. If you guys are open to the open depiction of penises, vaginas, sex and homosexuality then i suggest you watch it. I've not seen a moving so emotionally provoking and accompanied with brilliant soundtrack since a while ago.

I'm writing the first chapter of a short story/book. Wish me luck.

In The End - Scott Matthew : Shortbus Soundtrack

We all bear the scars
Yes, we all fail in love
We all sigh in the dark
Get cut off before we start

And as the first act begins
You realize they're all waiting
For a fall, for a flaw
For the end.

There's a path stained with tears
Could you talk to quiet my fears?
Could pull me aside
Just to acknowledge that I've tried
And as your last breath begins
Contently take it in
Cause we all...get it in...
...the end.

And as your last breath begins
You find your demon's your best friend
And we all...get it in...
...the end.

21/7/07

2007-07-22T18:37:00.000+08:00

So i was periodically awake from 12am all the way to 6am, dozing off for a few minutes, anticipating my trip to borders in the morning to join in the queue for The Boy Who Lived. So i traveled alone to Orchard and waited in 3 different lines ( i know, my stupidity! )

$62.95 for the USA version. Brilliant book jacket and illustrations inside. So worth the money, though i'm far from a rich prat like all you in college!

Will bless you all with a full frontal picture post soon, or as my best friend puts it aptly:

Haziq: FULL MONTY Y'ALL!

There was something special about yesterday. Something i missed yet i knew i wouldn't understand.

Epilogue of Harry Potter book 7 is cheesy as hell. But i can't wait for the movie to come out! I would sure cry my eyes out though tears merely formed while i read this one.

August 3rd, sigh.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers!
- description of my spectacles by none other that haziq.

Alone But Far From Lonely.

2007-07-20T19:51:00.000+08:00

So i missed the bus, the train and what other transportation that would take me to school by 7:40am. Being the newly baptised rebel that i am, i decided to take 190 all the way to Plaza Singapura and sat myself with a sausage mcmuffin and iced milo while i studied Oligopoly and read Sylvia Plath's autobiography. The tunes played were all from the 1980s and i loved each and every song while darting my eyes in between enclaves of social creatures. At about 10am, i knew i had to go and walked to the bus stop. I had a sudden desire to write so i whipped out my foolscap pad and wrote the following:

20th July 2007 a.k.a 2007.2007 10:20, at the junction.

I must be very well eccentric to revel in how the sun is beating down on me like i were an old dusty carpet. So hot that i could feel the convection currents of the Singapore dream - draped in red,white and lies. I saw a picture of Felicia,

19. 169cm. Multiple piercings on the ears. Nose piercing. Speaks fluent Malay. Might be confused for a Malay. Missing since 30th June 2007. If seen please contact Mrs Teo.

Numbers on numbers, pixellated pleas.

Traffic light oh traffic light show me the meaning of green.
Tell me that girls are meant to be mean.
Hold lust and hold life for they seem the same.
One day my death would mark out my name.

I guess I'll look up for a bus to take back to school when i feel like it. As of now, I still have several hours to burn.

sounds a wee bit amateurish but at least it was spontaneous. So i then headed to Lot1 library and read poetry by Ted Hughes till 1230pm and made my way to school.
It was good to be alone.
Yet i wasn't lonely.

Broken

2007-07-15T12:59:00.000+08:00

It's really weird. I was thinking about the song "Umbrella" and it immediately came on in my iTunes.

- When i was in primary school, i wanted to be smart because smart kids got attention and had enrichment classes like pre-secondary literature and got their haiku and poem recognised.
- When i was in secondary school, i wanted to be smart because triple pure students had a better chance of going to a good junior college ( or so i was made to believe by my peers )
- In Junior College, i realised it was all for nothing and we had to remake ourselves.

Am-I-Dumb.com - Are you dumb?

I broke my spectacles yesterday at the Night Safari, so i had to walk all topsy-turvy while balancing the spectacle frame on my nose. Sights and smells were accompanied by strawberry cheesecake scoops and random fun. Hanging fruit suckers with a kingdom of flames and of course the occasional smart little girly toddler who told Dean off.

"They don't go meow!"

I never take off my glasses 'cause my esteem feeds me with insecurities. It tells me i'm nothing without them, but hearing from Hikari and Dean that i have nice eyes helped boost my esteem a little. I always loved my eyes as a child. I loved them even more when i realised i had my Mother's eyes: hazel and bright in the sun. I rather keep them hidden for now.

( so harry potter-esque )

Portraits of Saturday soon enough.

We oft forget the meaning of silence and the song of the environment. 4 minutes and 33 seconds is all it takes.

What Colour Is Your Day ?

2007-07-12T20:53:00.000+08:00

Every Teacher Adores A Suck-Up.

Especially those who claim not to associate with such low life mother-effers. They lap up the butter from the silver spoons of those hypocrites. Don in ponytails and pink files, their skirts spell disaster and their speeches declare oratorical bitch venom.

Cynicism in Teck Whye Lane makes me sleepy.
Thus I don't study. Reaping wonderfully disgusting results.

Oh god, I wish it were legal to punch my class girls.
I'll start with the Toad and Minah first.

Tuesday, I'm In Love

2007-07-07T15:06:00.000+08:00

Tuesday was fantastic. Meeting up with Lydia and then bumping into Hikari and Joan. I couldn't have asked for more.

Low fat five flavoured buddy talks.
A walk of thousand steps in a city of thousand cries.

Re-evaluation of my current status has been beeping in my mind. I try not to sound overly bookish. Disentangled mind warps and a reminder of a past girl antique heartbreak of school uniforms.
Repeat mode on iTunes, want to know that I'm going to be a-okay. Newly baptised cynic in a world of midget bitch-mouths.
A class within a class with girls of many ages. Hiding is no longer legal in school. We flash our hate and anguish, hoping someone might notice us in neon auras.

Someone from 06A04: Eh are you guys free for class bbq on 21st July?
boywholovespurplehippos: NO!
Someone else from 06A04: Then National day holiday ?
boywholovespurplehippos: AlSO CANNOT! I MUST STAY AT HOME AND SING "WE ARE SINGAPOREEE!"

The librarian commented that I look fatter than my ez-link picture.

reality sure bites. like a shark

Writing One's Heart

2007-07-03T00:36:00.000+08:00

I've reached a juncture in my life where i appear despondent about my surroundings and my future. Yes I appear such, but feel of it, not. It's rather hard to express my heart and blood in words. These words would not bleed the same way i would. It would not smile in moments of strife, but it would remind me to do so. My words would serve as landmarks to those in need of direction. It would navigate the lost and those wanting to be lost.

When we cut ourselves, we are united in knowing that the world is made up of vessels, carrying wine of the richest hues of red. But, wouldn't it be naive to be oblivious to the fact that each of us desire for a degree of exclusiveness within ? Where does this feeling come from, the feeling to be differentiated and specialised, yet seeking integration of a scale so large, that it is all we see in the world. The need to be different yet still being able to belong to a denomination of nature and it's society. When the stars stop flickering and the lions cease to pride, would we still be left with the names our fathers gave birth to ?

As a human being, I can't promise much. I'm susceptible to human folly and perceptions. We all try to be Gods of our own universe, yes we all try to do so. Those who succeed, tend to denounce blessings while those who fail, beg for them. I can no longer look at the world in awe and amazement. My eyes must measure and deduce. My heart no longer listens to the birds chirp, rather the music of economies and acceptance. My lips no longer whisper poetry, but mutter hate and love all the same. Finding one's heart requires one to lose it in the first place. Mine was never lost, it was always beating in my ears and veins. My feelings are returning. I'm starting to realise, that it's okay to be confused and it's okay to be alone.

There are times when i feel the need to dissociate myself from your lies and even your company. And then i remember.

For All Those Questions

2007-07-01T23:27:00.000+08:00

I was sitting on the toilet bowl and realised - our society doesn't value us for who we are and most probably will never will. No matter how much we love ourselves, the world might not reciprocate that same amount of emotions experienced by us.

I'm a victim of the media and merchandising. I watch television and wish i were that chiseled or that handsome. No matter how i try not to, the urge to build comparisons is inevitable. I can't help but feel ugly at times, and i know its wrong but the feelings are indeed there. Oh, yes i do love myself, but i often yearn for the validation of others. It's like drawing a picture and colouring it out of the lines yet seeking the gentle reassurance from your mother that your artwork is splendid. Yes, it's almost similar to that.

Our society values perfection though we are thought that there is no such distinction to such an idea yet the media advocates it with the six-pack abs and the perky breasts. I was reading the papers and realised how afraid i am going to feel upon enlistment. I'll be imperfect in their eyes. Imperfect. And Fat.

I admit, at times i'm way swishy-swashy and broken-wristed but i love being that way. I love having a sharp tongue and going high-pitched. I know there are many who laugh at me, think of me as ... but who said i had to please the world? I may be hurt by them initially, but it's my party in the end. I've decided, if anyone were to ask me i would say yes and see how they judge me henceforth. I'm tired of listening to those who deem themselves a level more perfect that those who already are.

I remember saying this in Lit class: " Perfection is actually imperfection "

It's our imperfections that make us perfect examples of the human race.
Like everyone else, I'm superficial at times and i do judge people. But I'm learning to come into terms with my imperfections.

As my lover said in her poem Munich Mannequins, "perfection is terrible..."
Indeed it is, but what's more terrible is a human being who thinks he is perfect.

.x and at this juncture, I've realised, i haven't really gotten closure from our three year stint.

Distance

2007-06-29T15:08:00.000+08:00

I have the words to my new poem reverberating in my head since God-know-when but I have no physical and mental energy to write, yet alone to think.
I can feel a migraine in the distance, slowly throbbing, slowly eating my cerebral energy. For some reason, I feel the need to be cooped up and restrained.

I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone. I don't want to look at my phone for anonymously-known sms-es. I feel like I'm falling through a black hole, but the worst thing is, i want to be sucked in.

My body feels weird, like limped yet it moves. I pray i have the strength to walk tomorrow. I really want to go on that journey.

Stupid eyes that keep on crying even during cartoons. Lameass.

Fuck i have really no energy to type this anymore.

zKlasdj laweh;euu3yersdffn;jhasdf;ukjhHDJHF;hfndsfnslRIOUHFLHJDHhf;sadfhfaa;jh

Heroes 23 - How To Stop An Exploding Man

2007-06-19T23:18:00.000+08:00

Mohinder Suresh:

Where does it come from?
This quest?
This need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered.
Why are we here? What is the soul?
Why do we dream?
Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all.
Not delving, not yearning.
But that's not human nature, not the human heart.
That is not why we are here.
Yet still we struggle to make a difference, -- to change the world, to dream of hope.
Never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way.
Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand.
Touch our hearts…and share the pain of trying.

Once again, i cried during a series season finale. Maybe i feel that i've been on a journey with the characters. Lived each breath and seen each step. It's funny, funny that i feel so much from static images. My empath skills must mean that i can feel emotions from images and media associations. I think the epilogue made a lot of sense.

I always knew that deep down, this life is just the tip of the ice berg, that there are bigger things out there, waiting for me to conquer. I dreamt of being a superhero, having magical powers. I always wanted to be part of the X-men, but i failed to realise my own power is being me. I don't understand why back in the past, i insisted on being normal - banal would be a better representation but in fact, i've got bigger plans. I really can't wait to see what God has planned for me but at the same time, it instills this fear in me. I've to develop my faith, believe that i'm really a true hero.

Somehow, its my family and friends that always save me from a rut. They care and love me in a way i'll never reciprocate to myself. I have to get back on this journey. I need to discover myself and my surroundings all over again.

I want to cry because i feel sad. I want to cry because it feels good. I want to inspire with my writing and with my heart. My presence.
I really want to change the world, well maybe change my own world. I want to make my mother proud, just like the time back when i received those awards in Westwood. I want to beam with pride.

This will serve as a reminder of my heart and soul, the power to move forward.
I want to remember that Joyee, Deepa and Noreen are the true girls in my Junior College life.
I'm not forgetting Rezwana, Sharhana and Yina.
Lydia, Dean and Haziq - the 20 year olds who have shown me the way.

How can i say i'm not blessed? How can i say, i'm not going to be great?

God, I'm really happy you have given me this life. Though i've said mean things to you because of my father, i've realised you have given me so much strength to not end my life in blood and tears. I'll try my very best to make you proud, to be in your Home. I want to feel you again. I shall make that journey once more, and when i'm ready, i'll receive your body once more.
Till then, i'll pray in my little heart, that you take care of my mother , my sister and my brother.
I may not show it, but i need them the most now.

Mohinder Suresh:

So much struggle for meaning, for purpose.
And in the end, we find it only in each other -- our shared experience of the fantastic ... and the mundane ...
The simple human need to find a kindred ... to connect ... and to know in our hearts ...
... that we are not alone.

Let's Talk

2007-06-08T01:49:00.000+08:00

Someone New is on repeat mode. The irony in it entices me. I've been thinking. Why bother ?

Why bother with being bothered to the bothered that bother to be bothered ?

I've been listening and internalizing. It's a curse from Satan and a blessing from God. Speaking of God, I've been wanting to go to church, yet, somehow i find myself farther from where i started. Wanting is not enough anymore. It doesn't suffice, unlike those days. Decked in white and tears. A broken bow tie - not torn. Don't you dare leave me though i might not understand those cuts in your eyes. Don't you dare leave me. You promised me on the phone a couple of years back and i thought i lost you for a moment, the moment is about to repeat.

I wasn't expecting myself to appear - how do you put it - sophisticated ? poetic ? Or in a manner oh so familiar with my Lit tutor, Plastic.
Yeah, we're all celluloid extrinsically. How else would we swipe ourselves for -

I haven't studied a bit. Not one bit.

I'm not doomed.

Cursed hormones , must i denounce thee ? Erm. I think i'm rather, horny ?
Girlfriends & Boyfriends, I want to pop them into my ears like the ipod i never had. Carry them like the bag i always wanted. Spend them like i have a million dollars accredited to my name.
Sometimes i hate being this way. My university options seem very bleak.

Geography - the study of how anthropogenic assholes affect our surroundings.
Literature - the study of your tolerance towards sharp-tongued diva-extraodinnaires.
Psychology - the relative discovery of how mental you are.

Yes if you haven't figured it out yet. I'm mad.
But with class.

You ?

Like A Good Book

2007-06-06T15:50:00.000+08:00

It's like reading a good book. Flipping through the pages, taking yourself on a journey in your head. A journey so personal, only you would know what it feels like. Your heart does somersaults and scarlet tumbles, your bones dance to ivory and your eyes speak with the utmost truth any amber would bore.

A simple sit-and-go journey. I want to be on such a journey. Without the books of course. A physical terrain full of flora and fauna waiting for me to scrape and nick myself through. I want to run on bridges and watch it collapse with each precarious step i take. I want to see the lemurs again and watch them blow spit bubbles through the foliage. Snapdragons and Sea dragons await my gentle kiss, if only i could, or rather would make the cut.

Watch the balloons speak in child-like vowels, spinning in cosmic auroras. I want to dance under the stars. Waltzing amidst swans and glass cages, our bodies snaking through the tangibles, towards the intangibles. I would fizz, like a bottle of your antique champagne. I would bubble and froth in you. I'll be pumping in your veins, each little red drop reads me, speaks of me, is me.

The clouds would spell out papa faces, trees dancing the cha-cha around giant gibbons. We would clamor in unison with the song of the wild and grow wings, flying through the cotton-candy sky.

It's like reading a book. Watching the black-on-white dance slowly but meticulously on a paper-thin stage. Words skipping by, beats of the author's heartache, songs of the poet's heart aching. It's like reading a book, a book you've never read before and would never intend to.

It's like reading a book. Aloud. Aloud like my eulogy.
Gold and Purple dreams.

It's Been A While

2007-06-04T04:00:00.000+08:00

Well, it certainly been sometime since i last updated. A myriad of things happened, from Pre-University Seminar to Hikari's Birthday Party.

A playground of glowsticks, neon hearts in darkness.
Cake and cupcakes of sweet sins ; one-eighth oh heart.
Spin-the-bottle kisses and love brawls in truth.
Kiss of afros and the kissed.

Cut-connections in the tress, new found heart blaze, one happy boy

I like to keeps things disjointed and poetic/riddle-lesque.

Been feeling like i want to fall in love all over again. To rid me from the truths of my brainjuiceheartache hormones.

Care to share a kiss, miss ?

Anonymity Pity

2007-05-20T17:27:00.000+08:00

From the first time i listened to it on your iPod, I knew this song would stay in my head forever. I see nothing but pink frills and pastures in my head. The song bleeds my reservations away. Yes i do wanna cry each time i listen to it, forgotten youth & impossible infatuations. Yearning for lucidity seems ludicrous. Want to play in cotton - candy walls and sing in bark-brown oaks.

From the first time i listened to it on your iPod, I knew I was lost.

Brightly Wound - Eisley

It's happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by surprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry

I love you

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow

(Sherri's singing)
We were walking there
And I had tangles in my hair
But you make me feel so pretty
You have shining eyes
Yes like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry

(Stacy's singing at the same time)
I am just wishing you were there
So we could walk down to the stream
And we would throw all our leaves in
Seeing our dragon when we look

I love you

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow
This place is so lovely
It kind of makes me very happy
Let's go far away to the humming meadow

To the humming meadow

To the humming meadow

I apologise for storming off on you, for being so curt and terse to the moment. You see, i was sick of wallowing in self-guilt and perpetual emotional breakdowns. I can't help but think i can't live up to the worldly expectations. Thanks for all those advice. Thanks Noreen.

Leave it all and say goodbye
Pull the trigger, let me die
Family, friends, balloons of all
I want to take the fall.
Tired of living, tired of your smile

P.S Hi namelessfuckanonymouspieceofshit! I have an idea who you are. If my suspicions are true, i'll see your fucking gutless face in school. And no, you're not cool. Not cool at all. Have a great year, you might need it desperately to salvage your sad attempt of being in the spotlight.

Loss

2007-05-18T22:50:00.000+08:00

I'm afraid that with each passing day, your losing the glimmer in those eyes. Do we still keep the dreams alive, can we still see the final destination ?

Please trust me, I won't lie like the shards of glass we're all too familiar with.

I never believed that religion would provide us with faces, that it would present the anchor to our drifts wrapped in pink foil and ribbon. Ludicrous in my eyes, reveling in yours.
I always thought that my family was the greatest grounds for me, and God acted through them. I'm still on my search towards my faith, to find my place within all these hypocrisy.

Don't shove it down my esophagus.

You promised Gold & Sea Dragons, but all i got was a balloon. Pink. Smudged in pink. You picked me up, hoping that the wind might catch me. I fell and watched you drift away on your pink balloons and glitter-eyes. I hope to see you again someday, and i'll keep mine.
Too many things have been broken, mend it. And you promised me Gold & Sea Dragons
, and you promised me, you.

You Fall Ever So Often

2007-05-13T21:32:00.000+08:00

The blood boils and the emotions are erratic. The once tarnished canvas is in shreds and your name is on the wall. We look on to the black road, waiting for a pick-up, wanting to hitch a ride out of this mess. You taught me to hate myself or did i learn that from my reflection ?

7 days down to nothing in your blink. Missed connections, oh the ones! Nothing really makes sense nowadays, lost networks and hammocks of webs. Tell me I'm not in the wrong, tell me it's okay to be lonely everyday. Make me realise the pain in gain and the fun of our game. Need shots of alcohol, the taste of sin.

Boy kisses Girl in His Mind. Boy Dreams of Boy. Girls are Pain.
Mum I'm Scared to Hurt You and Leave You in this World of Fast Cars and Global Warming.

I feel like I've lost the control, the steering wheel is on my lap. Swerve and crash into an Elm or Oak. The rain is all i need. Maybe.

Tree Tops.

Thanks GirlWhoMakesMeLaughAndMakesMeHappy for Eisley. Listening to my heartbeat since I woke up. I don't want to like people anymore, so that I can still be alive.

Profound

Wander

2007-05-08T18:46:00.000+08:00

I let my mind wander, in pretence that it would bring back the answers to my many questions. I always wondered what it would be like to see myself through the eyes of others, how it would be like to live their lives - luxurious or not.

My mother said that a man who loves his mother will grow up to become a great husband. I love my mum tremendously, so you do the math. My interest in girls has reach an ultimate low. I made a promise in 2005, to never let my heart skip a beat, to never let it fall for another. The hassle, the pain and the constant sweet nothings are merely that - nothing. It's been four years and i still think about the first. Experimentation, to let the bubbles broil in our embrace. Homogenous heartache in a homogenous world of machinised flutter.

I'm starting to consider Philosophy as a possible potential Major choice in University.
I thought that i would never look back a year and still miss the wealth in it all. I reckon, my mind enjoys this discourse. Maybe i enjoy it. Maybe i do. It gives me a reason to allow my heart to ache for the great memories of a lost class and lost friendships.

Maybe I'm just over reacting, but the trench between all of us is growing. The importance of each day drives the wedge deeper. We find ourselves constantly trying to assimilate in the cultures of school - of life. We use to walk down the same path, now we're on different days.

Different outlooks, different sets of skies. I think we're the same people.
I use to dream of phantoms and apparitions taunting the life out of me. Now i dream of white-finned blue fish flying out of waters so crystal, dancing before my very eyes. Dreams, our subconscious mind made conscious. I hope to sleep forever, to bring those I care for to that same state of slumber.

Those around me do not change. It is I. Only.

Would you want to sleep with me? Just jump.

Night Sky Woes

2007-05-06T16:38:00.000+08:00

I'm waiting for the wind chimes to sing me a story. A story of my own. The night was alluring yesterday. Despite the hour long ride and being very very late, the night backdrop coupled with a dancing toddler was good enough for me. Though I didn't really managed to appreciate A Midsummer's Night Dream at Fort Canning that much, it was a good experience.

" The moment you're aware that you're different, that's when you're normal "
- Brad Jenkins, Almost Normal.

How true. How absolutely true. I still recall begging my teacher to let me quit the Student Council back in Secondary School just 'cause i wanted to be a normal student. Clearly my perceptions on normalcy back then was distorted. Not only did it cost me Presidency, it was the start of my rebellion years.

Been in a "leave me alone" mood. I think it's funny - i always find it a need to cheer up my gloomy friends but when I'm in an all gloom-doom mood i find myself in solitary confinement.
I've been trying to hard too get up from my falls. Trying too hard to let my cuts fester.

Jaded and faded. I'll try my best to let my guard down. To be vulnerable, to be as humane as possible. I'll be like the rest of you. I'll pretend to be happy, pretend to cry, i'll pretend.

And I'll await another weekend, another night sky. To take me away, we'll fly.

Cuts & Scrapes For Boyhood

2007-04-29T15:20:00.000+08:00

Where do we find ourselves? Where do we run to, in search of the true meaning of selfhood ?

Watched Saved!, Beautiful Thing and Latter Days. 3 Movies only a few might appreciate but please no judgment. Really beautiful pieces, each with its own theories of love and/or religion. Sometimes we take the parameters set by our faith a little too far. We live by the books, forgetting that we are all made in His image, yet to be non cookie-cutter seems like a detrimental flaw to mankind. Why do we ostracize ? Why do we judge so often ?

I'm no way different yet in my many hours of people-watching, i do ponder about it. I feel like a drudge trying to outshine the stars and the sun, trying to hard to be in the spotlight.

Don't need golden fleece
Just give me some peace
Gonna learn to see what's in front of me
I want to give
I want to give not take
Everything seems so fake
Maybe it's just too loud
Maybe I am just too proud
Trying to get far, far from the madding crowd
Can't seem to catch a break
Everything seems so fake
Everything seems so fake

I'm peculiarly treating myself badly. Bouts of unnecessary depression. Plastic smiles and over-rehearsed laughter. I need to find myself badly. Hold my hands and lead the way, rhyme it with a better day. I want to smell the rain smudged grass and run through playgrounds. Being a kid would be an unobtainable solution. I'll give myself to you, I'll give myself to you.

// edit * Please take the quiz to determine if my Daemon is indeed a match ( Got it off Kari's)

Week Ends

2007-04-22T16:08:00.000+08:00

Oh boy. This week has been nothing but me standing still while the world gains momentum. I remained clueless to many things; studies and homework.

Occasional funny moments kept me going and CIP at the Drama Center was a blast with the J1s.
Watched Mysterious Skin. I shall hunt for the novel. It was a beautiful movie and I'm in love with the geeky blonde in that movie.

I'm not a Subway and Candy Empire Virgin any more.
The Reaping was brilliant.
Walking around PS and dropping by your heartlands was good.

May the rain wash me away.
I wish the weekend were abit longer.
I need my fix, of the dreams of an unknown you.

Disjointed entry, this is.

It's Gonna Rain

2007-04-14T14:18:00.000+08:00

This week passed so fast. I'm disheartened to a level so familiar, it doesn't really bother me anymore.
Drama has drained me emotionally. Not 'cause of the stress or the workload, but knowing that I'm losing people one by one. It's breaking me.

" I'm not interested in Drama anymore "

But nonetheless, drama makes me so happy. The laughter makes up for all the inner turmoil i experience.
I've finally found an avenue for me to showcase my poetry. I hope one day, they might be published.

There's this feeling bugging me, and i can't tell what it is. It creeps and makes me cross-examine myself so many times, yet i know it's pointless. I feel useless, obsolete & even stupid often. Nothing others say can eradicate those thoughts.

I really wish i were a girl. Things would be easier (for me). For once, i would be able to pass my damn NAPHA test. I can't seem to meet any of the male benchmarks for physical fitness. I wouldn't have to go to the army and leave my Mom alone.
My mom said she won't have anyone to talk to once I'm enlisted. My brother's busy working and comes home way late. My sis is too young to comprehend the problems of family and life . My dad is just a self-obsessesed jester who thinks the world owes him everything.
Though we fight, I still run back to my mom with the colourful tales of school and life , it warms me.

I wish God made me a girl. So my attributes would be more or less justified. I realised i don't hang out with many guys in school and have even lesser male friends. It does puzzle me, but I'm okay with it.

We all have such thoughts ; but carrying it out would spell pandemonium

Sounds Familiar ?

2007-04-11T00:00:00.000+08:00

Who Is An Empath?

Empaths are often poets in motion. They are the born writers, singers, and artists with a high degree of creativity and imagination. They are known for many talents as their interests are varied, broad and continual, loving, loyal and humorous. They often have interests in many cultures and view them with a broad-minded perspective. They are mother, father, child, friend, nurse, caregiver, teacher, doctor, sales people... to psychic, clairvoyant, healer, etc. (That is not to say that any of these categories are all empaths.) The list is extensive and really unimportant. It is more important to notice that empaths are everywhere--in every culture and throughout the world.

Empaths are often very affectionate in personality and expression, great listeners and counselors (and not just in the professional area). They will find themselves helping others and often putting their own needs aside to do so. In the same breath, they can be much the opposite. They may be quiet, withdrawn from the outside world, loners, depressed, neurotic, lifeís daydreamers, or even narcissistic.

They are most often passionate towards nature and respect its bountiful beauty. One will often find empaths enjoying the outdoors, beaches, walking, etc. Empaths may find themselves continually drawn to nature as a form of release. It is the opportune place to recapture their senses and gain a sense of peace in the hectic lives they may live. The time to get away from it all and unwind with nature becomes essential to the empath. Animals are often dear to the heart of empaths, not as a power object, but as a natural love. It is not uncommon for empaths to have more than one pet in their homes.

Traits of an Empath

Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings.

However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.

Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.

Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.

People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light.

Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding.

Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind.

Boo Boos all over

2007-04-08T14:33:00.000+08:00

Okay. Right. Hmmm. Erm, ya.

For the very first time, i felt that i mattered in Drama. It's like i never felt i was pulling my weight around Drama and with the new J1s, it feels that just maybe, i can showcase my leadership skills and hone whatever remnants of my mediocre acting skills.

I pray Lit week would be good. King Lear and Othello Dramatizations here i come! I'm playing Othello in my class's " Othello : Fashion Fever Skit ". I want to shine this week and the next. I want to muster up the courage to approach people with my poetry, to be brave to accept my fate.

A part of me is wishing i would be enlisted really early this year. I could take the break from family life. Army life seems rather enticing. I'm not expecting much - maybe a little weight off and get into the SAF band ? Time is really flying fast. I'm secretly dreading Pre-U sem. Its the company. Besides Faz, Joshua and Becs, there aren't many fuddy duddies around. I have to sleep in a room with some unknown PJ dude whom i would be too socially-retarded to interact with.

I miss being poetic and artsy. Haven't been churning out pieces for a long time.

I need more emo time in the toilet.
I feel like dating someone.
I want to get drunk and puke my guts out.
I want to kiss.
Get laid?

Right brain's insane; gonna use my left brain, left brain
Need to find my Mona Lisa.

i miss you Lydia

Don't Get Me Wrong

2007-04-03T21:03:00.000+08:00

There's always two sides of a story, two faces of a coin. Everything is paired up to showcase equality, balance.

It's what i've been looking for in myself for a long time. Equanimity is so hard to find in such turbulent moment. Yes i do agree with Gerry and Hikari. College has presented me a myriad of opportunities in my life, but like i said, the stand of it being a "hellhole" just adds balance. There are times where i clench my fists in retaliation to the obvious stupidity of the institution. Trying so hard to shape itself as a "cool school", obviously falling behind.

The reason why I'm still sane is due to my friends and my teachers. I'll forever treasure them. Yes it's old news but i always wondered what my life would be like if i were to stay on in SAJC/JJC. Life might have been better. Who (fucking) knows.

It's hard to play along with the masquerade in school, when deep down you're not a wee bit happy.
I'm getting there, so in the meantime, forgive me if i might have marred the image of the school many hold dear. Maybe one day, i would too.

We all have our sides to our stories.

Poppycock

2007-04-01T18:07:00.000+08:00

I don't feel like going school anymore.

Thanks nessa ; i hope you know what a great time i had on saturday night

Anthologies

2007-03-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

Each time i switch on the teevee, it's like a mirror reflection. Have you guys realised how much the media has imitated our lives? It's like how they say Art is an Imitation of Life.

Pretty much screwed up my common tests. Didn't manage to complete my Plath essay but i felt ecstatic doing Unseen. Peculiar. However, whenever i feel "good" during a paper, chances are I would screw it up like Lit and Econs last year.

I cried in the morning today. For a pretty stupid reason. Just felt tears streaming down while in a tube trance.

And i unveil the First Installment of Cirque des Coeurs : TightRopes for TightLips
It was suppose to be a stanza, but my manager Ms Ismail thought it was powerful by itself. Thanks Ms Ismail for retaining its poetic intergrity. You're one of the few who appreciates my work, amateur or not.

TightRopes for TightLips

Shot.

The thin tightropes quiver
With the weight of a million hearts
each of red,
Illuminate.
Your bow brought up and elbows perpendicularly placed
My very own streaked red and white
A victim of senseless target practice.
Aim well, aim high
Make me fall askew into the embrace
of nets disguised as silk, yet are shards;
Cut me deep

Into a sleep.

Sophia, I Need Sophia

2007-03-20T23:13:00.000+08:00

Listening to Nerina Pallot can soothe any turbulent emotions within oneself.

Physical Geog was difficult, so i'm putting all my hopes on Human Geog. Damn.
Economics was a walk in a park, but somehow all my walks in the park turn out rather *spelch*
Biology literally annihilated all my faith in my H1 today. Essay wasn't even 1/4 finished, my structured questions had many blanks.

Maybe it was lack of focus.
Maybe it was my lack of study.

Plans of enjoying myself full frontal force is put on hold.
Pre-u sem pops up at the most unlikeliest of Saturdays, bloody shit.

Esther Tan Pei Ling. Would it suffice if i said you simply rock ! Thanks for all your encouragement! It validates the wonderful grades for A levels. I shall aspire to be you bestie!

& the phone's ringing,
your speaking to loudly
A silent chasm eats you
I'm not here

to listen

Intrigued

2007-03-19T19:28:00.000+08:00

I found this line very intriguing , 'twas from LYD's

"I'm not really sure why people can continuously allow themselves to go through an ordeal over and over again."

I guess it really makes sense. Personally for me, the answer lies with familiarity. We relish in the fact that we can relate to such past grievances, thus we attain that familiarity by reliving the moment or in this case, ordeal, over and over again. The routine gives us assurance, that nothing out of the blue might shock us, thus causing us to miss our footing in taking such an ordeal into our stride.

My two cents worth anyway. I welcome different viewpoints on the above notion. I find it peculiar, that such a simple phrase piqued such an interest in me.

Yesterday for some reason or another, i felt like i needed to punch in the numbers of a nearest female comrade and just cry on the phone. But i refrained. I was not in a position to bother anyone. Anyway erratic moods during examinations is so passe. Succumbing to such a feeling was weird to tell you the truth.

God bless my little soul. I'll seek thee in time & make my mom proud of me, and you too divine Father.

Cravings

2007-03-15T13:24:00.000+08:00

I suddenly feel like eating a side of gorgeous golden scrambled eggs with toasted cheesy bread.
Looking out at the sea, with my 4/5 kids around me. Picking up my youngest boy and playing aeroplane with him. Kissing my wife on the cheeks and winking at her, foreshadowing the life of fun and family expected.

Anyone willing to be impregnated by me ?

Seriously, any life than a life in JC would suffice. I want to be 25. Living the life of work, dilemmas and failed relationships. I want to see my friends all grown-up, career-minded. I want to see myself, all grown-up and career-minded.

I won't deny the prospects of me being in army kind of terrifies me. The medical check up would freak me! I'm bloody unfit?

Life's like that.

Please don't let anything ruin my wonderful sunday this weekend.

The Dilemma Of Friendship

2007-03-13T21:43:00.000+08:00

I wonder if people actually still bother to read my blog.

I think I've come to a standstill in my life. The ones i once hold so dearly onto, have become somewhat emotional baggage. Friendships, nothing but tiresome delusions. It's funny, really. Sometimes i wish to just pop the question :

Are we still friends? Are we still as close as before ?

We often assume that measure of distance between us. Maybe its physical ; i rather think of it as emotional. I hope i don't seem callous with my words. It seems like our physical distance manifested into an emotional drift. Saddening.

But then there are friends like Esther. 11 years of friendship and still going strong. Her emails give me so much strength and just merely reading it allows me to plunge into the warmth. Why can't all friendships be like that ?

No I'm not ungrateful for the many connections I've made in school. Life without Noreen, Joyee, Deepa, Jings and Shaminah would be uninteresting, yet alone unspeakable ! I'm trying my best to rekindle to lost flames. But lately, baby it's you that brings me down. Maybe it's subconcious. I hope it is. I'm sorry. I'm afraid that we might not catch a glimpse of each other again, yet deep down inside of me, a little part of my heart says farewell thee, onward celebrations. Maybe my insensitive side is bidding farewell to the emotional burden attached to our frayed ends. I hope to see you again, before your take-off.

Help ? Anyone ?

baby, you gave me bed head instead
of the promises your emerald eyes spoke of.
we're both at the threshold, one step holds us back
and with each mouthed emotion
your heart yelps
I Love You
and all I can say;
me too.
It's mutual, innit ?

Dream Catcher

2007-03-13T12:43:00.000+08:00

I think i have more or less come into terms with my zoological prospects in Singapore.
1-2-3 , say "KAPUUUT" !

Zilch, so if i ever were to pursue local tertiary education i can only foresee myself doing either English Literature or Psychology, with Gender Studies as my minor of course!

Well time to clean up my filthy sty and at least try to study to make my dreams possible.

Damn my entries are bloody banal.

Nostalgia 101

2007-03-09T17:17:00.000+08:00

Two Papers down.

Lit was disastrous. It was really observant on Shaminah's part to realise i suddenly became very still during the exam and acted like the paper didn't matter. Truth was, it was true. My mind went frozen during the Unseens. God bless my scripts.

We had Last Years A Level paper as our GP CT.
Another God Bless.
AQ and Summary dug my grave. I was caught between " Discuss the appeal and value of cartoons or horror movies " and " How far has television shaped our lives ? ".
My mum was sure i would do the first question.
" It's so you, boy ! "
But i did the other instead.

I finally found my class photos which went on a long hiatus.

I suddenly feel nostalgic again. J1 was so worth it

eventhough it was my second time.

Right Brain Insane, Gonna Use My Left Brain Left Brain

2007-03-07T19:09:00.000+08:00

Literature Paper 1 tomorrow. Unseen And Othello. Whoopee ?

My cough is getting chronic and it's been like a month of coughing for me.
Maybe it's cancerous? Maybe it's my bronchitis relapsing? Maybe.

First time today i showed my true feelings. I was fuckin' pissed, for reasons not apparent.

Cut me deep into a sleep.
I like the pain; you have no idea
no amount of novocaine will coax

I need a vacation from being Jaryl.
It's tough being the whiny emo fuck EVERYONE steps on.
Being the BIGGEST pushover, yet not standing for my rights.

Worst thing is, I'm comfortable with it.

May you have a fucken' Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
I'm sure you deserve it.

King Lear Is Here To Fear

2007-03-06T18:54:00.000+08:00

The rain was torrential. All around me, the sky bled with opulence.
I was bloody soaked to the bone.

A small blue umbrella is so useless.
Yet, useful.

When it was too strong to bear,
I literally started laughing amidst the thunderous roaring rain.
Chuckled roared like the rain. I was a fool for a full five minutes.

I think God might be saying something.
My descend into madness is earlier than expected. Pray for me wee ones.

by the way, this ain't poetry, fools.

Désolé

2007-03-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

Désolé. Is that enough? To mutter such a foreign word at your face. Désolé. Adieu.

As I stare all blurry - eyed at my monitor, my vision can't help but double.
I'm sorry. I always thought that people out there owed me apologies, but i was just masquerading my folly. Nobody owes me anything, not even a penny. Why. Why? Why then do i batter myself up and mull over such trivialities?

I thought friendships were meant to last? But i find myself a loser in mending the frayed ends. I'm sorry for afflicting unnecessary pain upon you. I always knew my absence made you sad, but as such, its inevitable. Forgive me, I hope you find some place in your heart to forgive me as i try to forgive myself.

Maybe one day, as we think about each other and the ties woven through time, we would meet again, on wavelengths similar.
Poetic destruction inflames me. I'm tired of searching for myself throughout the week.
You knew i would fall down to my knees, yet somehow i got left behind to pick myself up.
Now i'm bruised, battered by my own insensitivity.
That's why. I'm rectifying the present so nobody else has to suffer our past.

Désolé. Désolé ?

Is it really good enough? I'll never know.

I hope you do.

My Zest Got Lost In My Vest

2007-03-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

Jolted out of my bed at 215am and watched ellen, tyra, scrubs and the simple life till 'bout 6.
Slept till 12pm.

Surprisingly, the atmosphere at PJC on friday was so much different from last year. In 2006 i witnessed the 2005 batch of pioneers bawling their eyes out in every direction, amidst the occasional scream and cheer.
It's really cool to actually see your friends succeed through the As. Definitely my inspiration for my own task ahead. I'm especially proud of Usha. You of all people deserve to do extremely well. Love you big sis!!
Not forgetting resident genius, Geralyn whom bagged straight As! I shall leech off her brain juices.
Bestie did tremendously well over at JJC.
And my friends from the EconsHistLit combi all did so fantastically well.

Next year, my name's gonna be flashed on the screen. I'll walk across the stage in glory and cry in the arms of my friends. I want it so bad. Not only for myself, but for my mom.

" I'll come up in life through you, boy "

Ran and walked several km today. I've not seen Dean since my birthday and Haziq since god knows when. But i don't feel obliged to meet. Don't get me wrong, my studies are flailing and i'll only feel comfortable meeting up with friends during the holidays.

Forgive me.

Jings reiterated what i said weeks ago.

"You don't need a lady to validate you..."

But lately i feel the need to be validated. To validate my masculinity, my testosterone levels, my existence. Sometimes i feel i don't even act like a guy.
Which guy aspires to read Women studies and Literature ?
I love Sylvia Plath. She's my inspiration for such aspirations.
We both have screwed up paternal backgrounds. We both feel weirdly connected to nature.
My poetic forms and creations often take after her.
I'm proud being me. I wish the people around me appreciate that.

I'm losing my zest. Lit and GP common tests next week.

Ace it boy, ace it.

The World's A Masque

2007-02-28T21:22:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, i wished i were back in 2005, sitting in the alumni room studying Biology with Rezwana while Lydia was reciting important History Facts.

I lack that familiarity. I yearn that familiarity. I'm not ashamed to say that I've come into terms with the culture shock in my new class. Yes. Indeed. Certainly. I'm not trying hard to assimilate myself within, but why bother, when adaptation falls short. Tragically, I'm starting to see where my insecurities are leading me. Trenches filled with sloth and envy.

'Fuck' pretty much sums it all.

I was never good with moving on, in all aspects of the concept. I see my Lit falling apart.

I'm more than happy to be in Pre-U Sem, yet seeing the people in it together with me, makes me reconsider my option in the first place. Plastered with pretentious fronts and thick twangs, I seem like the average Joe beside any of them. Maybe pessimism coupled with over-judgment are clouding my perceptions.

I can't believe its my third year in this "heavenly" college. And the future that beckons? Simply daunting.

Oh fuck it. Seriously. I'm tired of being a puss ( or a wuss, whatever. )
I'm such a fucking hypocrite.

Gosh, "fuck" is such a therapeutic term * insert fake smiley face here so everyone thinks you're alright but instead you're slitting your wrists in harmony with Earth's routine *

Sunday Morning Amusement

2007-02-25T10:59:00.000+08:00

Okay I find this really amusing.

My iTunes was on shuffle and it went from Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol to Close Your Eyes - Young Love.

It's a freaking random miracle. Add to that, both songs start with a guitar solo trail thingymajingy.
Decided to stay at home this weekend. Saturdays are always spent bumming in front of the computer and reading.
I'm on LJ now. So if you want to add me, ask and i shall wisely pick the peers to see that side of me.

Please Read and Rate my latest poem " Please " ( aptly titled too )

The entry sounds cheery but heaven forbids, i still retain my emotional breakdown syndrome within. It's like I'm some bloated pregnant lady.

Glory to God In The Highest (since I'm being a complete sinner staying at home on Sabbath)

Monday's gonna bite me

Please

2007-02-24T12:27:00.000+08:00

Please.
Please call me back
From my turbulent twirls.
Let me know, not everyone is sane.
Let me know, not everyone is normal.
And it's okay to cry on the outside.
Ring, ring, ring till the voicemail
animatronically shuts us up.
Wake me up from my
365 days trance and teach me to dance
to our dead heart beats.

Hold me and slap
the fairytales out of my juvenile eyes.
I see too much of the good,
and let the bad just bash me within.
Let's dial the numbers
Order a take-out of reality
All boxed up in white and ready
to be tarnished by our dark hearts.
Call me, I need the vibrations
A silent phone cries.
Call me, and i'll answer.
Hello.
Goodbye.
How're ya doing?

I'm not fine.
Thank you.

Just another hormonal entry of desperation at 2am

2007-02-21T02:22:00.000+08:00

I miss having sweaty palms at the sight of you.
I miss having my heart flutter at the mere mention of the name that connects me to you.

problem is,

you're not real & no where in sight.

I need to find some motivation in school. Something that puts me to bed each night, something that makes me wake up in the morning all blue-eyed and enthusiastic.

Wish i were at the Caribbeans. Dancing with coconuts on me and twiddling my thumbs to some guitar strums. I wished i were fitted and custom-made to society's mould, ' cause it'll make life so much easier. At times, I get so sick of being myself 'cause I've somehow lost my direction. I want to live someone else's life, have their dreams, have their hopes. Maybe then I'll appreciate my own.

Lydia let's get coffee & cheesecake soon.
Rezwana, i really want to hug you when you get back.
Sharhana, make me laugh when i get a chance to meet you.
Yina, you don't need a man to validate yourself, you're so beautiful & talented, you leave me speechless.
Vanessa, my promised breakfast date very soon.

I'm very much like Cassio in 'Othello" that it drives me crazy.

'till the World caves in.

Overdue Euphoria

2007-02-17T11:53:00.000+08:00

Eccentric photo - taking & impromptu hosting
Bags full of Laughter with the Girls
Superwoman
38 minutes Train Rides
West Displacement Central Placement
2 Lost crescent girls
The Boyfriend Saga
Hubba-Bubba Bubble Gum blowing
Booth Love in New York
$3.75 Fillets
Blue Eye to Die
The fall of Balloons

Bring back your cheer ; oh young boy of yesteryear

& for some reason, I'm looking forward to my 20th

19 years

2007-02-16T00:16:00.000+08:00

It's already past midnight and i'm already missing the hype about my birthday. To be honest, a little side of me wasn't really looking forward to my big day but all the well wishes from my friends made my day.

Big thanks to the following people :

Nazreen
Maizura
Xinyi the BAnana
Zhuqing
Deepa
Shaminah
Fazliah & her Husband
Stephy
Pat
My Aunties, all 3 of 'em
Maghila
Esther Tan my best pal!
Kathy whom wished me a million times
Gerry
Ms Sarizah whom baked me a wonderul pudding
Ms Jasmine Tan
HuiLing my secret lover & prom date
Hema
Weiren my old woman partner
Raimi
VANESSA
Matthew my pudding eater partner
Jingling for the wondeful bday card
the class of 06A04 !!
Mr Ariffin !!
Mr Sas whom told me to get a hug from Deepa

Importantly, my lovers in A02 ~

NOREEN AND JOYEE ! I was seriously happy to see you guys after a long day.

so we were all eating and the doorbell rang ...

Mum: Jaryl who is that?
Me: Erm ma, i don't know.
OMG IT'S SOMEONE WITH PURPLE BALLOONS!

So i opened the door and was greeted by 19 PURPLE BALLONS FLOATING!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
BEST BIRTHDAY SURPRISE TODAY!
REALLY LIFTED UP MY MOOD!!

A little note : " Happy Birthday Boo Boo, from Tyra, Miss Jay and Elmo "
THANKS LEEDEEYA DEAN AND MAIZ!
I don't know what i did right to deserve such great friends but i'm happy it happened

Being 19 doesn't seem so bad afterall.
Thanks noreen for the dedicated entry! LOVE!

And it's a wonderful world
I hope it doesn't cave in
while i'm drowned in fun.

Cupid's Stupid

2007-02-14T19:30:00.000+08:00

I bought two boxes of chocolates for Valentine's Day,

But decided to give it to my lil' sister in the end 'cause i know she'll never let me down & never judge me for being a pushover.
She appreciates my faults and loves my flaws.
She admires me & i admire her for being so great at such a young age.
I've never cried for someone other than you. And i cried that day 'cause i know how much your results mean so much to you.

I love you Glashryl, for you'll be the only girl in the world who'll not break my heart ever.

Don't take it the wrong way, but the urge to just hang out with people not from my college is intense.
I don't want to be reminded of school, I need a break. A long break away from home too.

I think i'll seek refuge in my room tomorrow the whole day.

& i promised myself
to never fall in love again
Ragdolls limped...

Cut My Strings

2007-02-13T19:20:00.000+08:00

I don't want to lose my morals along the way.
I don't want to lose my friends, nor my humanity.

I'm messed up. All jumbled up, topsy-turvy - you name it.

I saw her in the morning and immediately spasmed. That short glimpse. After 3 years. Fuck

If i had an arrow, i would shoot it through Cupid's head.

Birthday blues & hi-fi melodrama.

You search for your own opportunities, you fight abyss to find light.
I've become concrete, i'll change.

I'm no longer your timid pushover.
'Least i could try

if you could package reality and wrap it up in love,
i'll promise to be yours now & forever
but why am i stating such a wager ?
' cause i know,
you can never make the impossible happen.
try me

Sincerely

2007-02-11T22:06:00.000+08:00

Today was the first time in a long time that i felt sincerely happy

Naz & Dean, thanks, really . You guys don't know how great it was today.

Merci

Sleepless

2007-02-10T03:37:00.000+08:00

It's almost 4am and i can't seem to sleep.

I wanted to go downstairs to fetch a glass of milk from the kitchen and watch cartoons, but it's so dark & i got a little scared. So here i am, listening to my trusty Itunes and blogging.

I realised without certain people in school, i immediately revert into EMO JARYL! Like how Deepa was absent, and the absence of her funny antics and " jaryl psychoanalyses " brought nothing but my solitary behaviour in class. I kept on thinking about how much i don't fit in and how i miss the old class too much. Sheesh, i obviously lack a sense of adaptability.

On a happier note, the HOD of English in good ol' Westwood suffered an ego bruise when she found out despite of her "wonderful" teaching, Westwood only obtained 54% passes in English. How sad. That's for dissing my batch and me !

Being resentful is orgasmic.

To many more emotional days this week, especially on 15th Feb. Urgh
I bid you ...

Adieu

Mail - Ordered Apologies

2007-02-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

I can't believe this. Sheril, Naz, Raimi and Maiz came down to PJC yet i didn't even have a second to spend time with them. They hate me. I bet they do. And I'm truly sorry though i suspect I'll get a good clobbering when i make it up to them.

Shit. Guys i was just flustered with the Economics Seminar and Drama timings. I needed to carry out my duty.

This entry is gonna be completely meaningless but i just have to jot it down as I'm slowly loosing my mind. The days are just sweeping past me.

Drama was good today though only 5 J1s turned up. Watching " She's The Man " with everyone was really great. Having Jings, Noreen, Deepa and Becca so close made me feel at home. We should do this more often.

I think I'll take a solitary bus ride on Sunday. Just me, my ratty old phone and my spoilt earphones.

' cause these days, i try a lil too hard to be happy
& the speed is driving me crazy
canteen - constrained chuckles & pushover prances
make me, me

Time Is Flying Too Fast For My Pleasure

2007-02-06T17:19:00.001+08:00

I GOT HIGHEST FOR H1 BIOLOGY TEST :
ORGANIZATION OF PROKARYOTIC & EUKARYOTIC GENOME !!

Please let's take a million snapshots /
So i'll be able to look back on how beautiful each day has been
amidst Earth's oddly rapid rotations :
I want to take one sigh of relief
and look back on our snapshots of time standing still.

feeling random as usual.

The Death Ward

2007-02-04T12:56:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, we tend to blur the lines of Life and Death. We tend to forget that life on earth is merely temporary, and eternity is just few pit stops away.

I visited my uncle recently at SGH and he seemed pretty okay. I really miss his random questions he always asks us. After visiting him, i visited another relative of mine. Well, he's my aunty's brother-in-law.
He has stomach cancer and was residing in ward 48. It's known as the Death Ward. My uncle said ever so often they will wheel bodies out of that ward.

Seriously. I think we are all dense. Even myself. The outing to Kranji War Memorial for the Lit Learning Journey was refreshing. It was so beautiful yet so morbid. And hanging out with Wenqi and Jojo was what i really needed. I'll be going back there, hopefully sometime really soon, just to hang out and feel the afternoon breeze.

I'll be turning 19 in two weeks and I'm not a bit excited. My last year having the suffix -teen in my name. Relatives will be coming over and i have to act all "happy" & "pleased" with my darn live. Fucked-up father will be ever so fake and hypocritical, being the perfect host while i gesture gag reflexes to my little sister & mom.

And thanks guys for asking about me and my dad but please don't bother. I'm not being the least rude but seriously, i couldn't be bothered about my relationship with him. I don't even want to talk about it. Just want you guys to be grateful for having a fully functioning father who cares for you and the family. I don't think you know how lucky you guys are.

God i sound so dysfunctional, and broken and fucked.

Might come up with a plan to start studying. And revamp my old poems. Should i approach my Lit tutors with the poems for publication? Do you guys think its good enough for school publication?
I'll start some sketches for drama and my personal art.

I think i need a nice drive around the city. A nice long drive. But i don't have a car * insert sad face here *

Ode to Jings

2007-02-01T17:18:00.000+08:00

I got smacked in the BALLS by Jings today !!!!

[ the excessive exclaimation marks make it sound like a good thing ]

Jings : Jaryl I don't think you know that many girls find you cute.

Me : Erm, i thought girls would find me gross ?

Jings : You got to be fuckin' kidding me!

Jings OH Jings, if i never met you , life would be certainly colourless !

May you be the smartest sexy skinny mama to grace PJC.
May the security aunty never arrest you and see through your guises.
May you and your boy have all the blessings you guys deserve.

May you never come anywhere close to my balls ever again.

shots of insecurities

2007-01-30T22:33:00.000+08:00

Okay before i start yabbering about how school has been , i absolutely have to narrate my frightening dream i had today. It involved several Pioneer students and i shan't reveal who they are for my own personal reasons, thank you.

I dreamt it was an average day in school. I was even wearing my school uniform in my dream. So i was happily chatting with my female friend when this dude
( whom i know ) barged in demanding who wrote the name of another female friend ( lets call her, X ) on a table stating that X is my best friend. Everyone kinda looked at me but i knew it wasn't me whom scribbled X's name.
Then the female friend i was chatting with suddenly started siding with the dude saying that it was all my fault and i was wondering why the guy was all flustered considering he was already attached and X means nothing to him.
And then it dawned upon me that my female friend was the one who wrote the stupid scribble yet insisted that i was the culprit. Then the dude took out this knife and rushed towards me.
In my dream, NOBODY helped me as i was being stabbed repeatedly by the dude. Fuck.
And i remember being all disoriented in my dream and it ended with me being stabbed and the dude leaving with his Girlfriend ( whom is not X ). The last words muttered in the dream belonged to the dude's GF and were
" God, you embarrass me ... ".

Fuck fuck fuck. I get stabbed in my OWN dream ! How amusing.

On to other things.

No matter how many people state that i'm handsome on the inside, it still doesn't seem to sink in. When i walk around in school and see the jocks, i get jolts of jealously for not looking as good as them or possessing their slim figures. Damn, i even fear looking in the mirror. I'm so foolish.

The tests this week were fine. I got major pissed off at myself for not managing my time during the economics test, and biology could've been better if i studied harder.

Can't wait for The Arena next Tuesday. Got hot Caucasian chick from United World College. Drools. I like Caucasian girls. Shit i need a reality check.

Noreen come back soon. We all miss you so much.
I miss the whole A05 gang. It seemed worthwhile and purposeful back in my old class.
Now J2 is peppered with worries for the A's and Army, Double trouble. No zest for anything else, besides my incredible laughing sessions with Deepa. & all i look forward to is a purpose in school.

Fat boy Slim. Fat boy Slim. Fat boy Slim. Fat boy Slim.

The Best Friday of January 2007

2007-01-28T14:28:00.000+08:00

So we went out to search for Noreen's Keds, but sadly we didn't get'em.
Bumped into JieYing whom i think is the most talented artsy fartsy girl i know!
And saw WeiRen my tormentor!

Was at Spize where we bumped into the GESS people including DENVER!

I wish i could be that close with my secondary school band members. Like go out ever so occasionally and hang out. I miss them so.

Fave pics of the night !

my fave pic of the night is the artsy one Noreen pulled off with her sad pout and heart-hands!
Well there WERE other pictures but I'll safe it for another time. The "secret" stash of embarrassing pictures will sure cheer me up when I'm emo.

toodles.

Thanks dude for ruining my weekend. It's not like I'm being really selfish 'cause I've tried my best to be by your side. I suggest you settle some of your stuff yourself first. I'm already a J2, it's mandatory for me to be busy with tests and drama. God, it's not like I'm ignoring you. Please give me some time to get myself in order before i step up to get others in order.

I'm not a counselor, never intend to and never will be. So cut me some slack will'ya?

Empathy

2007-01-25T17:17:00.000+08:00

For just one day, i would like to spend my time in your shoes.
To see the sights and hear the sounds that i would never get a chance to being in my position.
In your shoes, I'll walk with my head high and nonchalantly acknowledge the popularity that comes with being you.
I'll participate in the latest rumours about which girl is fantasizing about you and being in your shoes, I'll have the esteem to laugh it off.
Your shoes will allow me to blaze round the tracks & perform many physical feats that only someone of your calibre could comprehend.
With your laces, I'll charm those around me and string them around my world.
Fitted into your shoes, we'll discuss about testosterone dreams and compare our masculinity & check out the popular girls, like there's nothing else in the world more important.
In your shoes, one day of so-called heaven.

Shoutout to the two birthday girls in my life.

Happy 19th Jo!

Happy 13th my dearest sister !

For just one day, i really wish to be someone other then myself and be able to look at myself through a stranger's eye.

The Boy Due For Fame

2007-01-24T19:28:00.000+08:00

" You know, you're the kind of person i expect to see on TV in 5 to 10 years. "

- Ms Jasmine Tan

Pretty interesting. I was discussing about my University options. I know its rather fast, but i would love some defined direction in my A level adventure.
I've decided to work really hard and see what doors are open from then on.
Maybe a mass communication pathway would deem itself appropriate.

Drama was fun. I hope i didn't appear too bossy or intrusive.

I still find it confusing to visit a particular person's blog so as to find out how someone from the past is doing.
I should find something or someone else to preoccupy my mind. After all, its been three years.

So far, so good

And i guess it's only human that we falter daily. And i guess it's only human for us to fall down ever so often. And i guess, it's only human for us to be what we are ... humans.

Mourn for Monday

2007-01-23T21:49:00.000+08:00

Monday morning was bad. I guess describing it as bad is a major understatement, considering i missed two buses and the third one was full to the brim that i had to miss it too.

I strolled into school at 7:55am 'cause spending 9 bucks for a taxi ride to a school you dread on a day you dread ain't a pretty thought.
Was told that my J1 record would be taken into account so i left with a warning under my (non-existent) belt that i would face disciplinary action the next time.

Thank god Maneekham didn't lecture me cause I've subconsciously been adopted as his " student whom i shall monitor and train into a good Pioneer " victim. Save me!

Best thing of Monday? Knowing i lost one kg!

Once again, i spend my days just observing people in school, its like a fixation i have.
I look at the juniors and just wish for a moment back then. I'm tired and a nap awaits.

I miss the feeling of liking someone & going googoo-gaga when you see them in school each day.
As much as i miss the feeling, i don't really want to go back down that path.
I must be really, pathetic?
I didn't even enter a relationship yet i'm already pessimistic.

Up for a silent valentine's?

* what kind of world do you want ?

Sloth

2007-01-21T18:41:00.000+08:00

Sloth : One of the seven deadliest sins.

Don't mind the fragmentation on this entry. May all of you enjoy the random moments in your life!

Weekend cartoons from 8am
Hot chocolate with cake
Virtual addiction
SMSes from bestbud
Crazy chats with Noreen & Shaminah & Deepa
Late night Vent-Out-On-Gullible&Connable-Boy session with Noreen

I'm all recharged and geared up to face this week.
Thanks everyone, truly for all the kind words & encouragment.
I really am grateful & love all of you guys dearly.

Things to look forward to :

- Monday morning Rush with Jings & Noreen
- Gym with Bestbud ( yes boys have best friends mind you ! )
- Drama
- Lunch with Hot Nazreen
- Nessa-ness
- SPIZE
- LYDIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

if you haven't realise by now, yes i slacked the entire weekend. God bless

Yu Char Kueh ( feeling random as usual )

2007-01-18T21:19:00.000+08:00

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I’m shining, it’s probably
A reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime when there’s so many others around
But deep inside, it feels the darkest and that is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found - That is where I can always be found

The days seem to just flutter, just as i wished for. The weekend, the weekend.
I seem to have lost touch with all forms of sensibility in myself. I jabber about random stuff non-stop. I answer biology questions with stupidly. I felt really dumb on Wednesday. I blurted to my Human Geography teacher that i think my thinking is warped & distorted.

I feel disoriented with my surroundings. Disenchanted.

Not forgetting, being caught by Mr. Sas for yawning in his class. Darn.

I was just thinking on my way home. Who are humans to dictate the way others live? Who are we to dictate the way others think?
Many have always said to me that homosexuality is a sin, but is it really a sin if it were God's gift to you? Would it be a sin in His eyes if that's the way He made you to be?

I think many of us are foolish, foolishly human & i'm no exception to that flaw.

My oh my, i realised my writing changed from being a twitish replica of ahlians to something more profound. Good !

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see

And you sure look like a star to me

Thick eyeliner : $1.50
Retardedly short black & red tie : $ 2 ( i know good bargains )
" i tried to slit my wrists but couldn't make it in the end " cut marks : painful
being an emo wreck in school : PRICELESS

My Fucked Up Paternal Influence

2007-01-17T20:30:00.000+08:00

It's at times like this i have absolutely no effort in paying any respect to you. You're indescribably childish yet you're well over 50 years.

It might seem trivial, but i only ask to watch ONE bloody television programme out of the million you gawk at each mundane day of your short-lived life. Why bother fathering a child when you certainly act like one?

I'm seriously hoping for the day you return to your creator and meet the haven of decomposed pastures, where the creatures of the soil would appreciate you a whole lot better then your own family.

I sincerely think the best thing you did in your life was to rendezvous in the masterbedroom suited to your taste & preferences, copulating with the person i love with all my heart. I pity my mother for still loving you. Obviously i don't, i lost my love for you the day i shouted in your despicable face that i refuse to be known as your son.

The thoughts of leaving my mum and siblings alone with you while i hope to pursue an overseas degree just drives me crazy.

Yes we all have father-son/daughter problems. I'm just one of the few brave enough to mention it. Fucking paternal genes. I feel so impure, so insecure ; that i might turn out just like my father.

It's in my blood anyway, it's in my blood.

* Hema, Usha, ZQ, Nessa, LDY, Dean, Noreen thanks for all the well wishes. Will get back to you guys in a short while.

Orientation for seniors

2007-01-10T19:47:00.000+08:00

Looking at the J1 students shuffling into school, locked in their own worldly conversations, conversations only understood by those of familiarity. Looking at the seniors buried in heaps of responsibility, too matured for such aimless observation. I've realised my role as an observer this week. I just sit and watch the world go by, in the comforts of school. Kinda creepy and reminiscing if you ask me.

Only two weeks ago i was still a J1, rambling on about the excitement involved in the second year.

I've always been talking about seeing Mrs Yeo and how much i miss her nice personality.
Today i saw her in lecture and she greeted me with the widest smile.
Yet all i could mutter was a simple " I'm in A04 now ma'am " which she responded with a cute pouting face; trademark of Mrs Yeo.

Damn. Damn. Damn. I need to see some people badly. Like how i saw Sharhana yesterday and the sight of my hair made her scream from metres away, resulting in Mr A waving his umbrella to shut her up!

I don't think i spend enough time with Joyee, or Noreen for that matter. We all seem rather emo these days. We're all preoccupied with some portion of out life that needs immediate tending to. I miss them, and no, i won't shut up about missing them. I'll repeat all those moments in my head, for it seems the only solution to the times well spent in the past.

I blurted out once again that i doubt I'll walk the aisle in my life. Maybe its the insecurity hidden in the crevices of my heart, maybe its my drive to just study and work, maybe its futility in my eyes on love. All i know is to program myself to study.

I detect a change in my writing style, and somehow it bothers me. My blog entries, seem very distant from the original style i possessed. Maybe it's just me.

* stupid computer screen that flickers, flickers, just like emotions , it flickers. *
I'm so poetic ! :D

whine & dine

2007-01-07T00:02:00.000+08:00

I'll try my best to make this the last lamentation about the first week of school, though it'll most definitely be hard. The three days of the first term in school lasted like it were three months. Ludicrous but true. However, as much as my painful optimism tries to subconsciously cheer me up, it's always a waste of time.

Now i know how Rez must have felt last year, and for causing her all that pain, I'm really really sorry and on bended knees. I feel so alienated each time i stand at the parade square. Somehow i just feel this aura of pretentiousness when in close proximity of my new class. Maybe I'm just over reacting but seeing distinct cliques in class drives me crazy. It's like continents in class. I really took my old class for granted. Took the morning greetings from Hikari for granted. Took those constant "groping" from Enoch for granted. Took GP lessons for granted. Took myself for granted.

Damn, if adaptation is so cumbersome, i wonder how i would survive in University. I'm tired, emotionally and physically from this week. Take me through the next, and the next and the next and the next, without me drowning in my own emotional burdens.

~~I miss the teachers. I miss the comfort.~~

And thanks Hate Tagger ( scroll my tagboard to see the motherfuckersonofagun ),
for your poor sentence structure and baseless arguments. Just goes to show how different i am and how i should not let such scum ruin my life.

I'll be looking forward to the weekends. My one true salvation.

First Day

2007-01-03T19:35:00.000+08:00

I guess I didn't adhere to conventions and do a pre - 2007 post. Oh well. Better late than never. First day of school was pretty alienating. Rumors of Mr. Arifin teaching me came true & thus i think I have to work doubly hard for GP, for my own sake. My econs teacher is Mr Khoo. PHEW! Great teacher! The rest are pretty much the same and class was uneventful.

Boring lah! I really loved the chatting session with Noreen and Ms. Sarizah whom we miss dearly!

And not to mention "Laughing till i got cramps" session with Noreen during Econs lecture. And we were sitting right in front. Man i miss Joyee and Noreen. I guess i'll try to make the best out of my new class.

I seem to always hold onto the past too tightly, and it's becoming stupid.

I realised i took 2006 for granted and never realised how so many people can make a difference in my life and their very absence makes PJC dull.

PJC is being poseur as usual by having a new cafe. And guess what, the name of the cafe is " Good News Cafe ". What the f ?

boo.

i'm off. Gotta study for bio and geog tests.

Not to forget my common tests in two glorious months.

Raging Hormones

2006-12-28T00:07:00.000+08:00

You know Jaryl, you're just like my friend, only he's alot smaller. He was every girl's bitch and people thought he was gay or something. Then one day he told me his hormones were all, ya noe, crazy.

- Leedeeya

Yes. I'm hormonal. Hormonal & Schizophrenic.
Thank god I'm not emo, well at least not yet. I've been having a little Artist Block with my poetry. I've yet to revamp my Duvet Detention. Planning to make it a little longer and to add some twists to the central theme in the poem.

Anyway, yesterday my hormones were mad. My brain and heart was all frizzled and i kept on thinking about dating & girlfriends. Sheesh, and this just had to happen when the year comes to an end. Come to think of it, this year was pretty un-dramatic compared to the others.

2004 was the whole "you were my close girl pal turned crush, now you wanna break off all ties " drama.

2005 was " i have a crush on you but i think i'm over you but oops i told you by accident anyway "

2006 was clean, spotless and loveless. Aside from my valentines day date, whom is happily attached right now ( no not to me ! )

So i just wonder, what's in store for me in the year 2007. Maybe i'll hook up with some junior. Maybe have sex with a teacher ( no Noreen, Jings & Deepa, not THAT teacher ! )
I recall being asked to give a speech to the parents when i was in sec3/sec4, about teens & stuff, and i yakked about how teens have raging hormones and its normal for them to get into all kinda troubles be it relationships, mood swings or even puberty.
And ALL the teachers had to make a fuss just cause i said " raging hormones ". Sheesh.

Well, just a few more days till the new year. Maybe i'll explore the dating world. Only when i'm ready physically and emotionally. By the way, last sunday's paper had this article on teens being more aware about the appearance and this fuckface dude said " Attractive people get treated better . "

FUCK YOU! ( eventhough it's true )
We shun the ugly, we tease the fat.
We glorify the beauties & worship the hunks.
That's life.

P.S

I dig the new "vulgar" entries. Expletives rock. Or so it seems.

May my hormones be good till the new year & may they not turn me into a horny sex maniac whore wannabe.

Deck the Halls

2006-12-25T16:55:00.000+08:00

So it's Christmas & everyone is jolly, well not really. I think it's just me. I feel like the Grinch, all furry and conniving. As usual, i begged my mum not to buy my any presents 'cause i don't really believe in the tradition. Or rather, stopped believing a few years back.

Church yesterday was good. We stood at our usual place : the pillars outside the entrance. It's always crowded. I kept on peeking at the choir and made conductor gestures to myself.

Visited my loved ones at the cemetery just a while ago. Nostalgia was lacking till i reached my maternal Grandma's grave. Then i discreetly cried and started to remember how she would have a special tin of our favourite biscuits at home, how my mom resembles her so much, how i dreamt of her just a week back after 7 years.

I learnt today i have my maternal granddad's lips and nose. I have my mum's eyes.
I'm especially proud of my eyes.

Merry X'mas my friends. God bless.

- ... hope you find out the true meaning of Christmas xoxo

bored beyond words

2006-12-18T04:16:00.000+08:00

You are The Fool

The Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he need to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning. But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. Stop daydreaming and fantasising and watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

how absolutely apt

You scored as Biology. You should be a Biology major! You are passionate about the sciences, and you enjoy studying cell growth and evolutionary concepts which enable living organisms to survive. Pursue that!

Biology

92%

Art

83%

Philosophy

75%

Journalism

75%

Sociology

67%

Theater

67%

Anthropology

58%

Linguistics

58%

English

50%

Dance

50%

Psychology

42%

Mathematics

42%

Engineering

33%

Chemistry

17%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

my dream come true.

no wonder i never did well in Chemistry and Maths In JC1 2005.

Rekindling

2006-12-17T16:35:00.000+08:00

I guess Friday was pretty screwed up with plans going haywire but at the end of the day, I was happy to spend valuable time with Lydia whom i last saw in August and Dean whom last bitch slapped me last Thursday. So it was all worthwhile scuttling ( my new fav word y'all ! ) all over orchard after spending a good time at Suntec's McDonald's, officially known as the Confession Box for the three of us.

Anyway, we talked about "stuff" and relationships. Once again, I'm the last one standing without any female/male projectile on my arm. Yes, I'm single and may or may not be loving it. If you've known me for sometime, i'm what people would label as confused, in every aspect of the word.

I find it really weird that people in school would deem me homosexual just by the people i hang out with and the cooky antics i get myself into everyday. No, i'm not ashamed of such a label, in fact, i've taken it into my stride. Gays are artistic, fluent, eloquent and good looking. Though the latter does not necessarily apply to me, it still persists as one of the "characteristics" of gays in Singaporean society or any society for that matter. Heck it if people think i'm gay or sissy, it can't be much of a bother anyway. You don't see any other dude in PJC who knows so many girls other than myself. I put the brainless git jocks in school to shame.

I was telling Lydia that i most probably would freak out if i were to have sex with my partner. I can't imagine looking at anything more foreign than my own genitals. I sometimes ponder why other males totally drool over boobs and ( ermmmm ) Vs. I don't think i would have the courage to have sex. Okay, that sounded way too weird. When i did an online test few years back, it stated my sex drive as only 7% while my bestie number two scored 97%. Embarrassing hor!

Aiyah, excuse my ramblings, i'm just waiting for the darn rain to subside so i can go Popular and get myself pretty pens and sketchbooks for me to doodle little hearts and swirls in it.

before i go, i think i look so gross. I might just start shattering all reflective surfaces in my house and turn into a hermit or a hobo or a vegabond or you

There are only so few girls whom i really appreciate . With them around, i don't need a girlfriend, boyfriend, drag queen, gay, lesbian or even a tranny for that matter.

With that, to the ladies in my life :

miee lubb eeeuuux

xoxo

Hoe Hoe Hoe

2006-12-13T12:21:00.000+08:00

So we're two weeks closer to fake smiles 'round the dinner tables & merrily unwrapping time bombs glistening under cherry- red exteriors. How foolish we have matured to be and become.

If you know me well enough, you'd notice i don't really smile during the season of X'mas. Maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm an unholy turd whom doesn't seem to possess the littlest desire to even redeem my soul in church or maybe it's my father. Yes. Yes i'll put the blame on my father. It's always easier to blame your parents for the way you turn out. Always.

My emokid-self has resurfaced once again, and this time i think it might stay.

Say hello to Emokid

Last Friday was the last day of W!ld Rice CIP. Yes i felt sad for a moment, then i realised i was being the biggest hypocrite that day and sulked even more. Oh well. Everyone is hypocritical at one point of their lives. So this Friday i will be saying goodbye to someone i really really adore so much. It's so weird, how we seem so similar till people claim we even look like siblings. I love you Rez and please come back soon. And no, nobody will take over the places of you, Yina & Shar. Uniqueness shall be honoured, not replaced. Have fun.

Recently, i've been thinking. Have i held you back? No the "you" here aint Rez. Just that after i looked through some pictures and blog entries, i realised how demoralising it is to hang around someone like me. Crap, emokid Jaryl is feeling emo ( signature emotion of the year 2006 )

Oh, & why do people have so much faith in me or about stuff associating with me when i have the barest of faith in myself. Thanks JingLing for believing that out there, a piece of the puzzle exists waiting to complete me. But truth is, no matter what people say or think, i've lost that feeling a long time ago. I would'nt know my life partner even if she slaps me on the face and begs for copulation. This is all so stupid.

Title : Heart-beaten
please click on the picture for a better view and zoom in

I drew and coloured the heart myself.
So far i've had my fair share of bad & good comments.

How can it feel so nice?
Why does it feel so right?
I think ive been somewhere special
I want to go back there

Sleep
I think i will
Go back to sleep

Oh it's so cold and shivery outside my cocoon
Now i'm on my way

Sleep
Oh sleep
Sleep

Sip your white wine

2006-12-05T19:59:00.000+08:00

Bumping into celebrities was oh so common at the Drama Centre @ National Library. I met artsy-fartsy individuals such as Tan Keng Hua, Lim Yu Beng, Shanice, Pamela Oei, Najip Ali, Alfian Saat, Ivan Heng and many more!

Who would have though volunteering would be such incredible fun! Not to forget the countless moments for us to dress up and be glam for the usual days and GALA NIGHT! Met wonderful people like Ms Tigress's scandal, also affectionately known as Kenneth from SAJC and also Raksha the Rockstar also from SAJC! The NTU business people like Ken and Jasmine were sooo fun & friendly, not forgetting the interns from Laselle, Ina and Esther!

AND MY FAV OF THE LOT! THE CUTE MGS SEC 1 GIRLS!

i wished i were 13 all over again.

Our managers, Ellen and Nadia are superb man and we got job offers, if we are interested lah after the As. SIGH! SO COOL! AND IT GOTTA END THIS FRIDAY!

Well, i still have the PJC drama club right?

p.s i'm in love with Duvet Detention written by yours truly.

Medium : Photoshop CS
Title : Love (vector)

yes i did it myself!

* i miss them already !!

You could be happy & I won't know

2006-11-29T01:05:00.000+08:00

Duvet Detention

Satin snakes, that's all i see
You wrapping me in your iron fist
waiting for nothing but bed pole mania

You promised,
a million stars dancing across velvet
a dozen roses, pricking my heart
You promised,
three hundred and sixty-five,
twenty four,
one or was it sixty
shackles of your time.

Yet here we are
tussled hair & panting like sick dogs of dawn
Went under, and we never resurfaced
for jewels of life.

Four-lettered words plastered across
your smooth face,
no honey, it's time to let go
For you know what we are; really.
Not humans, they're conformists.
Not puppets, we're manual.

We're nothing.
Nothing but,
Two
Testosterone,
Cookies.

Impromptu poetry writing when i was pee-ing in my house toilet.
I'm hoping to insert the above poem in my anthology eventually. God i sound like some professional poet when I'm nothing but an aspiring & dreaming fool.

Well, I can't wait for the Wild Rice ! event till Saturday.
I'm really sorry for all the plans i made & wrecked. Next week ?

Irregular sleeping patterns are driving me crazy so i might as well just stop right here. Period.

* Girlfriends ( or even Boyfriends ) are the 21st century Fashion Accessory

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played on lips 'til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent, screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Stoned from Rejection

2006-11-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

I've been seriously been trying to avoid such a blog tag, but for the love of my future new bully repellent and buddy, SERGEANT ZHU QING, i shall brave the perils of random-ism. Muchos Gracias.

Name twenty people you can think of right now.
Don't read the question(s)until you've named the 20 people.At the end of this, choose five people to do this.

in no particular order

1.Noreen
2.Joyee
3.Deepa
4.Charmaine
5.Jenny
6.Nessa!
7.Zhuqing
8.Jingling
9.Hikari
10.Dean
11.Shaminah
12.Leedeeya
13.Maizura
14.Xinyi
15. Jo !
16. Stephanie
17. Sheril Nadia
18. Nazreen
19. Sammy
20. MS JASMINE TAN ! <3

How did you meet #14?
My clarinet junior lover and bestie of Maiz! how not to meet ?
What would you do if you didn't meet #1?
I would be alot less jovial and laugh and confide alot less. LOVEYOU!
what would you do if #9 and #20 dated?
I WOULD FAINT! brings the idea of "student-teacher" relationship to a whole new level! BUT I HEART THEM!
Would #6 and #17 date?
NAHHHH!! Nessa is into Border guys and Sheril into Hot Indians
Describe #3 :
My pal since January. Bitchy & straight-forward and with lotsa love for the ones she care for!
Is #8 attractive?
YES! She is one hot mama whom i'll miss dearly =( stay yellow my orange loving ex-eyecandy!
Describe #7:
HAHAHAHAHA! ZHUQING U DIE! SHE IS CRAZY AND FUNNY AND BULLIES PEOPLE ALORT! LOVELOVE! AND USES LIT QUOTES TO BITCH BACK AND MAKES ME LAUGH LIKE MAD!
#12 family members?
Mommy, Sister & Brother
What would you do if #18 confesses to you that she likes you?
She dreamt we had sex! but nah, i'm way below her league! anyway we're super besties!
What language does #15 speak?
ENGERISH! MELAYU AND CHEENA!
Who is #9 going out with?
HIKARI! HAHAHA! NOBODY RIGHT?! we rock each others socks & undergarments!
how old is #16?
MY LOVELY CUZZIN IS SEXILY&SAUCILY 17
When is the last time you spoke to #13?
NONGNONG AGO! we gonna speak this saturday!
Who is #2's favourite band/singer?
She loves the Pioneer Anthem. Inspiring! Nah! Lily Allen is her latest craze!
Would you ever date #4?
AHAHAHAH! nah! i would die
Would you ever date #1 ?
her boyfriend is botak, speaks with a british accent, vulgar and IMAGINARY!
Is #19 single?
nah uh uh!
What's #10's last name?
HAMZAH!
Would you ever be in a relationship with #11?
She claims i had a crush on her! LOVELOVE SHAMMY!
School of #3?
Penguin Junior College. Same place i'm rotting in
Where does #6 live?
ERM! FARAWAY AT KATONG/PAYALEBAR! but i know her address says geylang or something!
What's your fave thing about #5?
She makes me laugh at the most randomtimes! She is one heck funny & smart lass
Have you seen #2 naked?
I would literally commit suicide.

Best CIP i had in my life.

The rejection,
The cramps,
The crazyness.

Will be missed.

Sam, Jaey & Hikari. <3

Continue to support the METRO SIF PROJECT FOR THE KIDS IN CAMBODIA!!

late night talks

2006-11-20T23:29:00.000+08:00

The screams in my head are getting louder & louder and the dreams I've been having are ludicrous yet frightening.

I just wish there was a stranger out there whom i can just chat & sms with all night long.

till then I'll submit myself to songs from Imogen Heap.

2 Fashionistas & a Reject

2006-11-15T23:49:00.000+08:00

so much for aufwiedersen-ing my gorgeous flubber butt here.

I would have taken a long hiatus but the fun i had today simply has to be documented!

My hair was surprisingly good today.
I felt superb in my get-up today.
& i went out with 2 extremely beautiful ladies.

What more could a guy ask for ?

Thanks for all the laughs and [ brace yourself ] ...

NEOPRINTS!!

YES! ME , JOYEE AND NOREEN WERE ULTIMATE TWITS AT THE NEOPRINT BOOTH!

I'm so happy today. & i'm glad i've such great ~~friends~~ angels in PJ.

Oh, about the previous entry, i think my hormones and angsty crap got the better of me.
I won't deny the fact that i've been subconciously ignoring people. It's almost like thoughts of some of my friends have gone POOF.

Gosh, i'm seriously jubilant .

All i need is just a cup of security.

- by the way, just a little tidbit. Noreen the non-punctual Queen saw Ms. Jade from ANTM 6.

Lucky biatch.

Any girls want a male companion for shopping? I'm available.

Can't wait for more fun.

But for now, i say aufwiedersen again, & hopefully it persists longer this time 'round

I need to rediscover myself & seek fresh male companionship.

wonder who Timothy is ?

Aufwiedersen

2006-11-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

It just hit me. It just hit me how i have to say goodbye all over again. Say goodbye to the ones whom have somehow affected my life and pushed to what i am today. It's stupid really, humanity is stupid, education is ironically stupid & superfluous.

I hate myself for the past days. It just irks me to even think about certain things now.
I can't & i guess a part of me refuses to come into terms with what happened yesterday.

It's really foggy now, perceptively and prospectively.

Simultaneously, I'm trying to battle with my personal insecurities. Gosh , I have so much too.
Really, am i what i present to the world & my friends?

Guess i'll take this time off to think & such monotonous shit that all losers go through inevitably & eventually.

I realised i've been ~~IGNORING~~ few people these days subconciously.
As much as i say " Yeah see you soon " , I actually couldn't really give a hoot if i don't meet you down the street anytime soon.

See, SEE what has happened to me. I've become spiteful and all.
Fuck

I've been feeling short of breath these few days too. Maybe its a sign.

& with that, i say aufwiedersen. Aufwiedersen to all this fucked up & pent up shit.

I miss vanessa
I miss the cool gp row
I can't wait for the Metro SIF with samsam and hikari
I miss mai & xinyi

I miss the good ol' days.

Watch " Ghost World " & " Art School Confidential "
both written by Daniel Clowes
Fantastic satirical and ironic movies.

And just for added dramatic presentation,

Fuck.

Thank you.

Akeelah & the bee

2006-11-10T05:46:00.000+08:00

The movie that made me cry at 5:30am in the morning.

daily deviations part uno

2006-11-05T15:45:00.000+08:00

Credits to Trisste & Leedeeya
Done in : Photoshop7
By: yours truly

* when i have my own deviantart account, that's so gonna be my copyright mark. <3

Things are pretty smooth - sailing ... for now .

I'm in love ... with a Lutvian Boy

showers expected in the evening

2006-11-02T22:02:00.000+08:00

I ran a pathetic 2km and walked like 1km in the evening as part of my " Get Hot or Die Trying " regime.
Think I'll keep up with the 2km run for about another week and then increase in intensity to a 3km run. Gotta jiggle those jugs honey!

Well, me being really stupid, i forgot that today was the start of the GCE A LEVELS!
Though i doubt any intelligent creature in the upper ranks of Junior College would ever cross my blog's path, here's to you guys!

GOOD LUCK & I FREAKING HAVE FAITH IN YOU GUYS!

Inevitably, i can't wait for the A levels next year. So what if i gave up in the science stream. Time to rock the Arts and shake my gorgeous bootymus all the way to the top.

Well, i'm coming up short on what to write.
OHHH!!!

I went to Amirah's Grill to celebrate Haziq's 19th [ though he claims its 20th ] birthday!

So a shout out to the birthday boy! MUACKMUACK!

Erm.

Can i say that i'm feeling rather down.
Though i made it, i still feel sad to see the others go
I pray, pray they will make it somehow.
Retaining aint half bad. I did it & look where it's brought me.

Sometimes, what people say subconciously hurt me & i feel the greatest urge to just hurt them back.

I'm not some friggin' girly girl shit.
Gosh, time to re-invent myself. For my sake.

* shots of devil's water & sips of sin

- drizzle

The beginning of Finality

2006-10-29T13:22:00.001+08:00

Just Snippets of the last day of the academic calendar.

And just like that, i say goodbye to one brilliant year ; though its barely November.
A year filled with trials & tribulations.
A year filled with diminishing enthusiasm & pioneer mojo
A year filled with new comrades & old camaraderie
A year filled with tears, ego-emo moments & delirious laughter
A year i'll never forget & never wanna go back to
You could say ..

It was bitter-sweet while it lasted.

I was supposed to write about something else, guess i'll postpone it

A tribute to the times i'll never forget.

Good luck my friends, for our fates will be sealed tomorrow.
No matter what, i assure you.
Friends Forever.

It's always good to be cheesy at times.

Arts. All i ever wanted

To the best class i've had -
06A01/06A05

* 'cause tomorrow seems a little too far away

dip it down low

2006-10-24T21:57:00.000+08:00

Ho ho hum! I've been a despicable lazy bum!

If you happen to have seen a large kid decked in kiddy berms and with a really humongous wild hair, most probably you bumped into me during the open house.
I wore a wig! So finally i had enough hair to cover my barren scalp!
I took plenty of pictures, felt like a circus freak cum supermodel that day. i'm still waiting for her highness Sharhana to pass me the pictures. I would have loved to say that Open House was invigorating but i felt it fell short from Rockopioneer. I actually felt that the Westwood Carnival 2004 had more zest. Some pioneers acted shy which totally disgusted me. Not to mention the types of rejects we attracted. I'm sorry for sounding so harsh but c'mon. We attracted tons of lians, bengs, mats and minahs.

Well that aside. I finally received my Promo results. I think i'm assured Promotion
I really really improved. I failed all my H2s during mid years but i passed 2 H2s during promos.

I nearly got an A for GP. Received highest in class for Essay though *beams*
I GOT B FOR GEOG! A humongous jump from a fail!
My econs was a D which is not bad considering i failed it during mids. My case study boosted my grade!
Bio was horrible!! I passed but its only because i almost scored full marks for Paper 1. Paper 2 was beyond dreadful.
Do not talk about Lit. Though i scored better than Mids, I still failed it. I'm still moping over it.

So that creates a spread of BBDES.

A levels in 365 plus days for me.

Though you guys might not think of it as important.
But witnessing even the slightest improvement in your grades makes me really happy and proud.

I'm proud of you my friends!
Especially to Deepa, Charm, Noreen, Joyee and Hikari!
I'm really happy that Jenny is the top in class! I heart that smart butthead!

Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap

Skipping beats, blushing cheeks; I am struggling.
Daydreaming, bed scenes in the corner cafe,
And then I'm left in bits, recovering, tectonic tremblings.
You get me every time.

Why'd you have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you.
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well.
Say goodnight and go.

Follow you home, you've got your headphones on and you're dancing.
Got lucky, beautiful shot; you're taking everything off, watch the curtains wide open.
Then you fall in the same routine, flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining,
And you think you're alone...

One of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me.
We'll have drinks, and talk about things, any excuse to stay awake with you.
You'll sleep here, I'll sleep there,
But then the heating may be down again,
At my convenience.
We'd be good, we'd be great together.

Say goodnight and go,
Why's it always, always
goodnight and go?
Darling, not again,
Goodnight and go.

THANK YOU DEAN FOR THE INTRODUCTION!

i abso-shittypittywitty-lutely love the song.
Not that it coincidentally speaks of some stuff.
Its just...
that...

it relates. the chorus.

Jap exchange emceeing tomorrow!

- * every minute . i'll swing the other way ; soon enough honey

Wednesday

2006-10-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

One word to sum up the whole of today : Weird

Ultimate frisbee 3on3 was great in the morning. Just wished more of my classmates would have come since today was like practically the last p.e lesson we would have together.

After that, i rushed with the designs for the Tapestry Project and chatted with Hikari till GP.

Was running around with a tapestry collection box and a humongous industrial roll of plastic wrap.

GP WAS FUN! PLAYED PICTIONARY AGAIN !

Heard that Ms Sarizah most probably would not take my class for GP next year.
SHIT!
Nomore cheesecake treats
Nomore rants and raves about the latest shit happenings in school
Nomore fun activities
I'm gonna miss you Ms Sarizah
Thanks for all the fun times and study times since Jan 2006!
Your the first person to say that i exude a History Student Aura !

Drama meeting was wacky and i gawked at Ms Sarizah and Mr Sas.
It was fun. Seriously fun. Loads to do! FUNFUNFUN

CCA Leaders Dialogue was ok.

Open house Rehearsal was tiring

Le-Sigh

What an aimless entry.

-

you say you dream of my face
but you don't like me
you just like the chase

( bet denver would go : ACTION ONI MINAH! USE MY FAVE SONG QUOTE! )

looking back

2006-10-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

CHARMAINETHAMISTHEFUNNIESTGIRLTOPLAYPICTIONARYWITH

When she was asked to draw a belt, she miraculously drew something that resembled so closely to a penis that we were all in shock.

Oh we love you soo, and your queer drawings during GP lessons.

It. Felt. Good.
To clasps my hands once again without contempt
Indulgence, of a holier kind.

Remember, & remember well,

too much pain, without a gain

Let's get wasted on a monday morning's worth of tears&laughter

superzeros to superheroes

2006-10-11T20:03:00.000+08:00

Don't we all need a masked crusader? One whom defiantly goes against the social norms just to deliver a punch or two and the ever so illustrious upside-down kiss. One who would sacrifice every ounce of righteousness left on him just to save a loved one. One who everyone sees as a menace yet you yearn for his presence.

We all are superheroes in our own ways i guess. We all don a costume at night, hoping that nobody would recognise our crime-fighting, just to keep our geeky alter-ego under covers. We all wear masks that hinder the truth within.

It's a diffult process, but we all do it ; go through it ; wish for it.

We want to be hoisted up from the realms of danger, knowing that the one entity in all normalcy possesses the superhuman strength to lift us up.

We all stand at the doorways of our superheroes, waiting for them to look up and see them. In the end, we are left with nothing but to move on and beyond.

Lackadasical or not, we overlook the sacrifices these superheroes make. We forget their dreams and whims they forego just to save you.

They constantly look out for you. Just to save you.

Important question is,

What have you done to save them?

We all have superheroes, its just that we're too focussed on the superzeros.
Look closer, you might just see that geeky plump kid swinging from skycrapers in an attempt to stop the vile villains in your little crime-infested city.

& the phone's long dead, yet i'm still talking

ho hum , the smellybum

2006-10-10T16:03:00.000+08:00

I just gobbled 6 sins in the shape of black cookies with vanilla creme. Major calories

In the morning, the Principal was talking about the latest PJC publication that would hit the public bookstores. Man, the way she was talking about it made it seem like some top notch ENGERISH book but to my horror, it was meant for CHEENA POKS!

Seriously, PJC is nabbing all the glory in the Chinese Arena. No wonder why though.
I suggest they put forth english lessons to communication-impaired students interested in being a Student Liason Officer for Pre-U sem. Nah i'm not being haughty! It's just that the level of engerish is really deteriorating in school and they can't expect some cheena pok with the signature line of " Harlow i'm Mary chew, may i helpch chew? " to serve in NTU!

OH WELLS!!

My timetable finally redeems itself as i finish lessons at 11am and get released at 1230pm.

Oh and i think i'm gonna forego being an OGL. Boycotting the SC and associates?
Hmmmm i don't want another OGL partner whom i don't communicate anymore with neither do i want it to be in the house system form because its really tardy.

As usual, i foresee my attempts of weight loss will be foiled due to my lazyness. crap shit

Tata!

Today's entry is so not emo. NO FUN!

(re)morse code

2006-10-09T15:20:00.000+08:00

I didn't get into the worshadowing programme.

It's okay i guess, i was never keen on Law, but radio was a dream and looks like it still will be and remain that way.

I'll try to squeeze my gorgeous hiny into some Zoological Workshadowing thing.

However, i did get into something great which i won't bother mentioning.

I'm very very tired. That's practically all i can say at this juncture of my life.
I'm too afraid to even ponder on what would happen if i don't make it this year.

You know you're absolutely divine when you can pinpoint my change in attitude and behaviourial patterns as a response to someone.
You know you're absolutely divine when i can see why you drool over that guy in your moto razr
You know you're absolutely divine when we three will miss each other if even one of us goes.
You know you're absolutely divine, and we know that too.

a toast to you, the one who gives me cramps every day from laughter

VANESSA! YOU & ME BETTER GET OUR CORPORATE SEXY BUMS A JOB! <3

RUN - SNOW PATROL

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do (instead of did)

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

- those those i love with all my heart in pj
nah do not mistake me for those ah lians in love with snow patrol since jon leong sang that song
stupid cheena poks

* & the jester clapped his hands
1, two, 3
walked away, into your eyes ; love's demise

hocus pocus focus

2006-10-08T12:01:00.000+08:00

In about few hours, i'll be going out on my first date with my illegal lover and my ex-eye candy and her lover boy.

You know, i really do not give a fuck to people who claim to advise me to "change myself"

I'm happy being emo
I'm happy being "gay"
I'm happy being conniving
I'm happy being poetic
I'm happy being able to focus on those i love in PJ
I'm happy to have a fun family
I'm happy my paternal genes are recessive
I'm happy i retained
I'm happy to realise who are true
I'm happy that the distance in school gives us space
I'm happy
That's all that matters ; though i do have my usual wet days
I'm happy being Jaryl / Jaey / Barney / Hippoballoo /

but the most important question is,

Are you?

Oh not to forget that the CCA Leaders worshop was fun!
Its fun to know crazy people like Harold, Seow Ken, Christabel and the old, Eko, Joey and Brian.
Staying till 6pm is so worth it

I'm so tired of focussing on others and not myself

Its time to get over things,

with a hundred copies of Archie and a bunch of Merci Chocolates

See you guys on monday

Au revoir , C'est La vie

I'll take one step back and watch the fireworks ;

like i said

2006-10-06T16:55:00.000+08:00

Well, like i said to Jing Ling this morning, i'll delete the previous post coz its simply full of shit [ there's that word again ]

I think Love has developed no meaning in today's world.

Won't say much but i was shocked when i heard of something that happened to my friend today.

Hopefully, the gerls can go for a bitchfest and we all can cry and sniffle away declaring how guys can be jerks and that would be my cue to say " NOT ALL GUYS ARE THAT BAD! "

I think I've officially become a 'female'

So as my first adventure as a female, i would want to be a lesbian and engage in hot raunchy Lesbian sex.

sooooooooooooo

after sitting on my bum for four hours waiting for the bell to ring, i realised that Jaryl is :

Antisocial
Overly Emo
Everyone thinks i'm popular but i'm NOT
I envy certain people
I wish i was in a better school without wooden blocks as students
I'm happy that PJC has people i can click with <3
Hypocrisy - though i find it a mouthful to pronounce, is my forte
I can't utter a word to those who hurt me
Have i mentioned that i'm emo?

I'm not here for your entertainment
Neither are you here for mine

I'm waiting for the day i would have the strength to shut down this blog and say goodbye

Letter in November - Sylvia Plath

Love, the world
Suddenly turns, turns color. The streetlight
Splits through the rat's tail
Pods of the laburnum at nine in the morning.
It is the Arctic,

This little black
Circle, with its tawn silk grasses -- babies hair.
There is a green in the air,
Soft, delectable.
It cushions me lovingly.

I am flushed and warm.
I think I may be enormous,
I am so stupidly happy,
My Wellingtons
Squelching and squelching through the beautiful red.

This is my property.
Two times a day
I pace it, sniffing
The barbarous holly with its viridian
Scallops, pure iron,

And the wall of the odd corpses.
I love them.
I love them like history.
The apples are golden,
Imagine it ---

My seventy trees
Holding their gold-ruddy balls
In a thick gray death-soup,
Their million
Gold leaves metal and breathless.

O love, O celibate.
Nobody but me
Walks the waist high wet.
The irreplaceable
Golds bleed and deepen, the mouths of Thermopylae.

oh how much i love to be her, i might die like her too

the after-s

2006-10-05T15:16:00.000+08:00

After moronically being flabbergasted by my Gp prowess
After whining that Pride & Prejudice would be the downfall of my Literature career
After staring in puzzlement at my Physical Geography paper
After crying and tearing my hair out to Doug and Jing 'cause i never bothered to study biology
After being shushed for chatting too loudly while studying for econs
After the wind and lightnings danced across the sky during Ariel&King Lear
After aimlessly highlighting my Lit text in fear of it being ripped by Mr Sas
After being drained by a simple term of Fertility

It's all over

but, as wise old sage Farah puts it :

" Why don't i feel happy? "

Good question... i can almost feel the guilt sipping through my skin
Funnily, the latest word of the week for me is shit

I practically used it in all my daily yabberings

[How was geog?]
My god it was like shit

[how was lit?]
Eh what siah, i dinnoe what shit i was writing man!

[how's things?]
Like shit

my latest project runway contestant crush!!

Don't you just love that stiff upper lip suave-ness he has
And he cried when he was eliminated!

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU BOY!

he said that he never had many friends all his life and being in Project Runway made him feel he was part of something.

*swoons*

stupid school starts tomorrow

I get to dress up on Friday night and Sunday!
Be a gorgeous boy

- as much as i want to blame and even hate you...

i can't

fuck that

weekend pre-hysteria

2006-09-29T21:48:00.000+08:00

I'm officially the sexiest fatty bom-bom that ever graced PeeJayCee

Well, at least Shaminah thinks so....

Neh nehny poo poo *with extra toppings of poo poo for you*

dawn dumbness

2006-09-29T08:38:00.000+08:00

Oh bless me, for i am horny this morning

Rub-a-dub-dub
We'll make waves in the tub

*wink wink*

Promotional Roster

2006-09-28T19:42:00.000+08:00

Exam Schedule

~~General Paper one~~
~~General Paper two~~
~~Literature Paper one : Poetry & Pride and Prejudice~~
Geography Paper one : Physical
Economics Paper one : Case study
Economics Paper two : Essays
Biology Paper one
Biology Paper two
Literature Paper 5 : Identity
Geography Paper two : Human

Nowadays, old doesn't necessarily mean gold.

Each passing second, i lose my interest & faith in you.

We danced to my eulogy