I dare you to catch razor butterflies

shots of insecurities

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Okay before i start yabbering about how school has been , i absolutely have to narrate my frightening dream i had today. It involved several Pioneer students and i shan't reveal who they are for my own personal reasons, thank you.

I dreamt it was an average day in school. I was even wearing my school uniform in my dream. So i was happily chatting with my female friend when this dude
( whom i know ) barged in demanding who wrote the name of another female friend ( lets call her, X ) on a table stating that X is my best friend. Everyone kinda looked at me but i knew it wasn't me whom scribbled X's name.
Then the female friend i was chatting with suddenly started siding with the dude saying that it was all my fault and i was wondering why the guy was all flustered considering he was already attached and X means nothing to him.
And then it dawned upon me that my female friend was the one who wrote the stupid scribble yet insisted that i was the culprit. Then the dude took out this knife and rushed towards me.
In my dream, NOBODY helped me as i was being stabbed repeatedly by the dude. Fuck.
And i remember being all disoriented in my dream and it ended with me being stabbed and the dude leaving with his Girlfriend ( whom is not X ). The last words muttered in the dream belonged to the dude's GF and were
" God, you embarrass me ... ".

Fuck fuck fuck. I get stabbed in my OWN dream ! How amusing.

On to other things.

No matter how many people state that i'm handsome on the inside, it still doesn't seem to sink in. When i walk around in school and see the jocks, i get jolts of jealously for not looking as good as them or possessing their slim figures. Damn, i even fear looking in the mirror. I'm so foolish.

The tests this week were fine. I got major pissed off at myself for not managing my time during the economics test, and biology could've been better if i studied harder.

Can't wait for The Arena next Tuesday. Got hot Caucasian chick from United World College. Drools. I like Caucasian girls. Shit i need a reality check.

Noreen come back soon. We all miss you so much.
I miss the whole A05 gang. It seemed worthwhile and purposeful back in my old class.
Now J2 is peppered with worries for the A's and Army, Double trouble. No zest for anything else, besides my incredible laughing sessions with Deepa. & all i look forward to is a purpose in school.

Fat boy Slim. Fat boy Slim. Fat boy Slim. Fat boy Slim.

caught a razor butterfly at - 10:33 PM |

The Best Friday of January 2007

Sunday, January 28, 2007

So we went out to search for Noreen's Keds, but sadly we didn't get'em.
Bumped into JieYing whom i think is the most talented artsy fartsy girl i know!
And saw WeiRen my tormentor!

Was at Spize where we bumped into the GESS people including DENVER!

I wish i could be that close with my secondary school band members. Like go out ever so occasionally and hang out. I miss them so.

Fave pics of the night !

my fave pic of the night is the artsy one Noreen pulled off with her sad pout and heart-hands!
Well there WERE other pictures but I'll safe it for another time. The "secret" stash of embarrassing pictures will sure cheer me up when I'm emo.

toodles.

Thanks dude for ruining my weekend. It's not like I'm being really selfish 'cause I've tried my best to be by your side. I suggest you settle some of your stuff yourself first. I'm already a J2, it's mandatory for me to be busy with tests and drama. God, it's not like I'm ignoring you. Please give me some time to get myself in order before i step up to get others in order.

I'm not a counselor, never intend to and never will be. So cut me some slack will'ya?

caught a razor butterfly at - 2:28 PM |

Empathy

Thursday, January 25, 2007

For just one day, i would like to spend my time in your shoes.
To see the sights and hear the sounds that i would never get a chance to being in my position.
In your shoes, I'll walk with my head high and nonchalantly acknowledge the popularity that comes with being you.
I'll participate in the latest rumours about which girl is fantasizing about you and being in your shoes, I'll have the esteem to laugh it off.
Your shoes will allow me to blaze round the tracks & perform many physical feats that only someone of your calibre could comprehend.
With your laces, I'll charm those around me and string them around my world.
Fitted into your shoes, we'll discuss about testosterone dreams and compare our masculinity & check out the popular girls, like there's nothing else in the world more important.
In your shoes, one day of so-called heaven.

Shoutout to the two birthday girls in my life.

Happy 19th Jo!

Happy 13th my dearest sister !

For just one day, i really wish to be someone other then myself and be able to look at myself through a stranger's eye.

caught a razor butterfly at - 5:17 PM |

The Boy Due For Fame

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

" You know, you're the kind of person i expect to see on TV in 5 to 10 years. "

- Ms Jasmine Tan

Pretty interesting. I was discussing about my University options. I know its rather fast, but i would love some defined direction in my A level adventure.
I've decided to work really hard and see what doors are open from then on.
Maybe a mass communication pathway would deem itself appropriate.

Drama was fun. I hope i didn't appear too bossy or intrusive.

I still find it confusing to visit a particular person's blog so as to find out how someone from the past is doing.
I should find something or someone else to preoccupy my mind. After all, its been three years.

So far, so good

And i guess it's only human that we falter daily. And i guess it's only human for us to fall down ever so often. And i guess, it's only human for us to be what we are ... humans.

caught a razor butterfly at - 7:28 PM |

Mourn for Monday

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Monday morning was bad. I guess describing it as bad is a major understatement, considering i missed two buses and the third one was full to the brim that i had to miss it too.

I strolled into school at 7:55am 'cause spending 9 bucks for a taxi ride to a school you dread on a day you dread ain't a pretty thought.
Was told that my J1 record would be taken into account so i left with a warning under my (non-existent) belt that i would face disciplinary action the next time.

Thank god Maneekham didn't lecture me cause I've subconsciously been adopted as his " student whom i shall monitor and train into a good Pioneer " victim. Save me!

Best thing of Monday? Knowing i lost one kg!

Once again, i spend my days just observing people in school, its like a fixation i have.
I look at the juniors and just wish for a moment back then. I'm tired and a nap awaits.

I miss the feeling of liking someone & going googoo-gaga when you see them in school each day.
As much as i miss the feeling, i don't really want to go back down that path.
I must be really, pathetic?
I didn't even enter a relationship yet i'm already pessimistic.

Up for a silent valentine's?

* what kind of world do you want ?

caught a razor butterfly at - 9:49 PM |

Sloth

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Sloth : One of the seven deadliest sins.

Don't mind the fragmentation on this entry. May all of you enjoy the random moments in your life!

Weekend cartoons from 8am
Hot chocolate with cake
Virtual addiction
SMSes from bestbud
Crazy chats with Noreen & Shaminah & Deepa
Late night Vent-Out-On-Gullible&Connable-Boy session with Noreen

I'm all recharged and geared up to face this week.
Thanks everyone, truly for all the kind words & encouragment.
I really am grateful & love all of you guys dearly.

Things to look forward to :

- Monday morning Rush with Jings & Noreen
- Gym with Bestbud ( yes boys have best friends mind you ! )
- Drama
- Lunch with Hot Nazreen
- Nessa-ness
- SPIZE
- LYDIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

if you haven't realise by now, yes i slacked the entire weekend. God bless

caught a razor butterfly at - 6:41 PM |

Yu Char Kueh ( feeling random as usual )

Thursday, January 18, 2007

There is nothin’ special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I’m shining, it’s probably
A reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime when there’s so many others around
But deep inside, it feels the darkest and that is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found - That is where I can always be found

The days seem to just flutter, just as i wished for. The weekend, the weekend.
I seem to have lost touch with all forms of sensibility in myself. I jabber about random stuff non-stop. I answer biology questions with stupidly. I felt really dumb on Wednesday. I blurted to my Human Geography teacher that i think my thinking is warped & distorted.

I feel disoriented with my surroundings. Disenchanted.

Not forgetting, being caught by Mr. Sas for yawning in his class. Darn.

I was just thinking on my way home. Who are humans to dictate the way others live? Who are we to dictate the way others think?
Many have always said to me that homosexuality is a sin, but is it really a sin if it were God's gift to you? Would it be a sin in His eyes if that's the way He made you to be?

I think many of us are foolish, foolishly human & i'm no exception to that flaw.

My oh my, i realised my writing changed from being a twitish replica of ahlians to something more profound. Good !

Just keep tryin’ and tryin’
Sooner or later, you’ll find it
And it’s surprisin’ how inspirin’ it is to see you shinin’
‘Cause in the dark of night, you’re all I can see

And you sure look like a star to me

Thick eyeliner : $1.50
Retardedly short black & red tie : $ 2 ( i know good bargains )
" i tried to slit my wrists but couldn't make it in the end " cut marks : painful
being an emo wreck in school : PRICELESS

caught a razor butterfly at - 9:19 PM |

My Fucked Up Paternal Influence

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

It's at times like this i have absolutely no effort in paying any respect to you. You're indescribably childish yet you're well over 50 years.

It might seem trivial, but i only ask to watch ONE bloody television programme out of the million you gawk at each mundane day of your short-lived life. Why bother fathering a child when you certainly act like one?

I'm seriously hoping for the day you return to your creator and meet the haven of decomposed pastures, where the creatures of the soil would appreciate you a whole lot better then your own family.

I sincerely think the best thing you did in your life was to rendezvous in the masterbedroom suited to your taste & preferences, copulating with the person i love with all my heart. I pity my mother for still loving you. Obviously i don't, i lost my love for you the day i shouted in your despicable face that i refuse to be known as your son.

The thoughts of leaving my mum and siblings alone with you while i hope to pursue an overseas degree just drives me crazy.

Yes we all have father-son/daughter problems. I'm just one of the few brave enough to mention it. Fucking paternal genes. I feel so impure, so insecure ; that i might turn out just like my father.

It's in my blood anyway, it's in my blood.

* Hema, Usha, ZQ, Nessa, LDY, Dean, Noreen thanks for all the well wishes. Will get back to you guys in a short while.

caught a razor butterfly at - 8:30 PM |

Orientation for seniors

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Looking at the J1 students shuffling into school, locked in their own worldly conversations, conversations only understood by those of familiarity. Looking at the seniors buried in heaps of responsibility, too matured for such aimless observation. I've realised my role as an observer this week. I just sit and watch the world go by, in the comforts of school. Kinda creepy and reminiscing if you ask me.

Only two weeks ago i was still a J1, rambling on about the excitement involved in the second year.

I've always been talking about seeing Mrs Yeo and how much i miss her nice personality.
Today i saw her in lecture and she greeted me with the widest smile.
Yet all i could mutter was a simple " I'm in A04 now ma'am " which she responded with a cute pouting face; trademark of Mrs Yeo.

Damn. Damn. Damn. I need to see some people badly. Like how i saw Sharhana yesterday and the sight of my hair made her scream from metres away, resulting in Mr A waving his umbrella to shut her up!

I don't think i spend enough time with Joyee, or Noreen for that matter. We all seem rather emo these days. We're all preoccupied with some portion of out life that needs immediate tending to. I miss them, and no, i won't shut up about missing them. I'll repeat all those moments in my head, for it seems the only solution to the times well spent in the past.

I blurted out once again that i doubt I'll walk the aisle in my life. Maybe its the insecurity hidden in the crevices of my heart, maybe its my drive to just study and work, maybe its futility in my eyes on love. All i know is to program myself to study.

I detect a change in my writing style, and somehow it bothers me. My blog entries, seem very distant from the original style i possessed. Maybe it's just me.

* stupid computer screen that flickers, flickers, just like emotions , it flickers. *
I'm so poetic ! :D

caught a razor butterfly at - 7:47 PM |

whine & dine

Sunday, January 07, 2007

I'll try my best to make this the last lamentation about the first week of school, though it'll most definitely be hard. The three days of the first term in school lasted like it were three months. Ludicrous but true. However, as much as my painful optimism tries to subconsciously cheer me up, it's always a waste of time.

Now i know how Rez must have felt last year, and for causing her all that pain, I'm really really sorry and on bended knees. I feel so alienated each time i stand at the parade square. Somehow i just feel this aura of pretentiousness when in close proximity of my new class. Maybe I'm just over reacting but seeing distinct cliques in class drives me crazy. It's like continents in class. I really took my old class for granted. Took the morning greetings from Hikari for granted. Took those constant "groping" from Enoch for granted. Took GP lessons for granted. Took myself for granted.

Damn, if adaptation is so cumbersome, i wonder how i would survive in University. I'm tired, emotionally and physically from this week. Take me through the next, and the next and the next and the next, without me drowning in my own emotional burdens.

~~I miss the teachers. I miss the comfort.~~

And thanks Hate Tagger ( scroll my tagboard to see the motherfuckersonofagun ),
for your poor sentence structure and baseless arguments. Just goes to show how different i am and how i should not let such scum ruin my life.

I'll be looking forward to the weekends. My one true salvation.

caught a razor butterfly at - 12:02 AM |

First Day

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I guess I didn't adhere to conventions and do a pre - 2007 post. Oh well. Better late than never. First day of school was pretty alienating. Rumors of Mr. Arifin teaching me came true & thus i think I have to work doubly hard for GP, for my own sake. My econs teacher is Mr Khoo. PHEW! Great teacher! The rest are pretty much the same and class was uneventful.

Boring lah! I really loved the chatting session with Noreen and Ms. Sarizah whom we miss dearly!

And not to mention "Laughing till i got cramps" session with Noreen during Econs lecture. And we were sitting right in front. Man i miss Joyee and Noreen. I guess i'll try to make the best out of my new class.

I seem to always hold onto the past too tightly, and it's becoming stupid.

I realised i took 2006 for granted and never realised how so many people can make a difference in my life and their very absence makes PJC dull.

PJC is being poseur as usual by having a new cafe. And guess what, the name of the cafe is " Good News Cafe ". What the f ?

boo.

i'm off. Gotta study for bio and geog tests.

Not to forget my common tests in two glorious months.

caught a razor butterfly at - 7:35 PM |