unfortunately for you , im a male bitch
i'm single, unabashed and some label as a gay-wannabe
throw yourself in a duffle bag 'coz the epitome of hypocrisy is me
kiss, kill, relish
*smooches*
and if this happen to make u say " GAYSHIT " then i suggest you go
get yourself a half priced life during the Great Singapore Sale
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The World's A Masque
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Suddenly, i wished i were back in 2005, sitting in the alumni room studying Biology with Rezwana while Lydia was reciting important History Facts.
I lack that familiarity. I yearn that familiarity. I'm not ashamed to say that I've come into terms with the culture shock in my new class. Yes. Indeed. Certainly. I'm not trying hard to assimilate myself within, but why bother, when adaptation falls short. Tragically, I'm starting to see where my insecurities are leading me. Trenches filled with sloth and envy.
'Fuck' pretty much sums it all.
I was never good with moving on, in all aspects of the concept. I see my Lit falling apart.
I'm more than happy to be in Pre-U Sem, yet seeing the people in it together with me, makes me reconsider my option in the first place. Plastered with pretentious fronts and thick twangs, I seem like the average Joe beside any of them. Maybe pessimism coupled with over-judgment are clouding my perceptions.
I can't believe its my third year in this "heavenly" college. And the future that beckons? Simply daunting.
Oh fuck it. Seriously. I'm tired of being a puss ( or a wuss, whatever. ) I'm such a fucking hypocrite.
Gosh, "fuck" is such a therapeutic term * insert fake smiley face here so everyone thinks you're alright but instead you're slitting your wrists in harmony with Earth's routine *
My iTunes was on shuffle and it went from Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol to Close Your Eyes - Young Love.
It's a freaking random miracle. Add to that, both songs start with a guitar solo trail thingymajingy. Decided to stay at home this weekend. Saturdays are always spent bumming in front of the computer and reading. I'm on LJ now. So if you want to add me, ask and i shall wisely pick the peers to see that side of me.
Please Read and Rate my latest poem " Please " ( aptly titled too )
The entry sounds cheery but heaven forbids, i still retain my emotional breakdown syndrome within. It's like I'm some bloated pregnant lady.
Glory to God In The Highest (since I'm being a complete sinner staying at home on Sabbath) Monday's gonna bite me
Please. Please call me back From my turbulent twirls. Let me know, not everyone is sane. Let me know, not everyone is normal. And it's okay to cry on the outside. Ring, ring, ring till the voicemail animatronically shuts us up. Wake me up from my 365 days trance and teach me to dance to our dead heart beats.
Hold me and slap the fairytales out of my juvenile eyes. I see too much of the good, and let the bad just bash me within. Let's dial the numbers Order a take-out of reality All boxed up in white and ready to be tarnished by our dark hearts. Call me, I need the vibrations A silent phone cries. Call me, and i'll answer. Hello. Goodbye. How're ya doing?
I miss having sweaty palms at the sight of you. I miss having my heart flutter at the mere mention of the name that connects me to you.
problem is,
you're not real & no where in sight.
I need to find some motivation in school. Something that puts me to bed each night, something that makes me wake up in the morning all blue-eyed and enthusiastic.
Wish i were at the Caribbeans. Dancing with coconuts on me and twiddling my thumbs to some guitar strums. I wished i were fitted and custom-made to society's mould, ' cause it'll make life so much easier. At times, I get so sick of being myself 'cause I've somehow lost my direction. I want to live someone else's life, have their dreams, have their hopes. Maybe then I'll appreciate my own.
Lydia let's get coffee & cheesecake soon. Rezwana, i really want to hug you when you get back. Sharhana, make me laugh when i get a chance to meet you. Yina, you don't need a man to validate yourself, you're so beautiful & talented, you leave me speechless. Vanessa, my promised breakfast date very soon.
I'm very much like Cassio in 'Othello" that it drives me crazy.
Eccentric photo - taking & impromptu hosting Bags full of Laughter with the Girls Superwoman 38 minutes Train Rides West Displacement Central Placement 2 Lost crescent girls The Boyfriend Saga Hubba-Bubba Bubble Gum blowing Booth Love in New York $3.75 Fillets Blue Eye to Die The fall of Balloons
Bring back your cheer ; oh young boy of yesteryear
It's already past midnight and i'm already missing the hype about my birthday. To be honest, a little side of me wasn't really looking forward to my big day but all the well wishes from my friends made my day.
Big thanks to the following people :
Nazreen Maizura Xinyi the BAnana Zhuqing Deepa Shaminah Fazliah & her Husband Stephy Pat My Aunties, all 3 of 'em Maghila Esther Tan my best pal! Kathy whom wished me a million times Gerry Ms Sarizah whom baked me a wonderul pudding Ms Jasmine Tan HuiLing my secret lover & prom date Hema Weiren my old woman partner Raimi VANESSA Matthew my pudding eater partner Jingling for the wondeful bday card the class of 06A04 !! Mr Ariffin !! Mr Sas whom told me to get a hug from Deepa
Importantly, my lovers in A02 ~
NOREEN AND JOYEE ! I was seriously happy to see you guys after a long day.
so we were all eating and the doorbell rang ...
Mum: Jaryl who is that? Me: Erm ma, i don't know. OMG IT'S SOMEONE WITH PURPLE BALLOONS!
So i opened the door and was greeted by 19 PURPLE BALLONS FLOATING! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! BEST BIRTHDAY SURPRISE TODAY! REALLY LIFTED UP MY MOOD!!
A little note : " Happy Birthday Boo Boo, from Tyra, Miss Jay and Elmo " THANKS LEEDEEYA DEAN AND MAIZ! I don't know what i did right to deserve such great friends but i'm happy it happened
Being 19 doesn't seem so bad afterall. Thanks noreen for the dedicated entry! LOVE!
And it's a wonderful world I hope it doesn't cave in while i'm drowned in fun.
I bought two boxes of chocolates for Valentine's Day, But decided to give it to my lil' sister in the end 'cause i know she'll never let me down & never judge me for being a pushover. She appreciates my faults and loves my flaws. She admires me & i admire her for being so great at such a young age. I've never cried for someone other than you. And i cried that day 'cause i know how much your results mean so much to you.
I love you Glashryl, for you'll be the only girl in the world who'll not break my heart ever.
Don't take it the wrong way, but the urge to just hang out with people not from my college is intense. I don't want to be reminded of school, I need a break. A long break away from home too.
I think i'll seek refuge in my room tomorrow the whole day.
& i promised myself to never fall in love again Ragdolls limped...
I don't want to lose my morals along the way. I don't want to lose my friends, nor my humanity.
I'm messed up. All jumbled up, topsy-turvy - you name it.
I saw her in the morning and immediately spasmed. That short glimpse. After 3 years. Fuck
If i had an arrow, i would shoot it through Cupid's head.
Birthday blues & hi-fi melodrama.
You search for your own opportunities, you fight abyss to find light. I've become concrete, i'll change. I'm no longer your timid pushover. 'Least i could try
if you could package reality and wrap it up in love, i'll promise to be yours now & forever but why am i stating such a wager ? ' cause i know, you can never make the impossible happen. try me
I wanted to go downstairs to fetch a glass of milk from the kitchen and watch cartoons, but it's so dark & i got a little scared. So here i am, listening to my trusty Itunes and blogging.
I realised without certain people in school, i immediately revert into EMO JARYL! Like how Deepa was absent, and the absence of her funny antics and " jaryl psychoanalyses " brought nothing but my solitary behaviour in class. I kept on thinking about how much i don't fit in and how i miss the old class too much. Sheesh, i obviously lack a sense of adaptability.
On a happier note, the HOD of English in good ol' Westwood suffered an ego bruise when she found out despite of her "wonderful" teaching, Westwood only obtained 54% passes in English. How sad. That's for dissing my batch and me !
Being resentful is orgasmic.
To many more emotional days this week, especially on 15th Feb. Urgh I bid you ...
I can't believe this. Sheril, Naz, Raimi and Maiz came down to PJC yet i didn't even have a second to spend time with them. They hate me. I bet they do. And I'm truly sorry though i suspect I'll get a good clobbering when i make it up to them.
Shit. Guys i was just flustered with the Economics Seminar and Drama timings. I needed to carry out my duty.
This entry is gonna be completely meaningless but i just have to jot it down as I'm slowly loosing my mind. The days are just sweeping past me.
Drama was good today though only 5 J1s turned up. Watching " She's The Man " with everyone was really great. Having Jings, Noreen, Deepa and Becca so close made me feel at home. We should do this more often.
I think I'll take a solitary bus ride on Sunday. Just me, my ratty old phone and my spoilt earphones.
' cause these days, i try a lil too hard to be happy & the speed is driving me crazy canteen - constrained chuckles & pushover prances make me, me
I GOT HIGHEST FOR H1 BIOLOGY TEST : ORGANIZATION OF PROKARYOTIC & EUKARYOTIC GENOME !!
Please let's take a million snapshots / So i'll be able to look back on how beautiful each day has been amidst Earth's oddly rapid rotations : I want to take one sigh of relief and look back on our snapshots of time standing still.
Sometimes, we tend to blur the lines of Life and Death. We tend to forget that life on earth is merely temporary, and eternity is just few pit stops away.
I visited my uncle recently at SGH and he seemed pretty okay. I really miss his random questions he always asks us. After visiting him, i visited another relative of mine. Well, he's my aunty's brother-in-law. He has stomach cancer and was residing in ward 48. It's known as the Death Ward. My uncle said ever so often they will wheel bodies out of that ward.
Seriously. I think we are all dense. Even myself. The outing to Kranji War Memorial for the Lit Learning Journey was refreshing. It was so beautiful yet so morbid. And hanging out with Wenqi and Jojo was what i really needed. I'll be going back there, hopefully sometime really soon, just to hang out and feel the afternoon breeze.
I'll be turning 19 in two weeks and I'm not a bit excited. My last year having the suffix -teen in my name. Relatives will be coming over and i have to act all "happy" & "pleased" with my darn live. Fucked-up father will be ever so fake and hypocritical, being the perfect host while i gesture gag reflexes to my little sister & mom.
And thanks guys for asking about me and my dad but please don't bother. I'm not being the least rude but seriously, i couldn't be bothered about my relationship with him. I don't even want to talk about it. Just want you guys to be grateful for having a fully functioning father who cares for you and the family. I don't think you know how lucky you guys are.
God i sound so dysfunctional, and broken and fucked.
Might come up with a plan to start studying. And revamp my old poems. Should i approach my Lit tutors with the poems for publication? Do you guys think its good enough for school publication? I'll start some sketches for drama and my personal art.
I think i need a nice drive around the city. A nice long drive. But i don't have a car * insert sad face here *
[ the excessive exclaimation marks make it sound like a good thing ]
Jings : Jaryl I don't think you know that many girls find you cute.
Me : Erm, i thought girls would find me gross ?
Jings : You got to be fuckin' kidding me!
Jings OH Jings, if i never met you , life would be certainly colourless !
May you be the smartest sexy skinny mama to grace PJC. May the security aunty never arrest you and see through your guises. May you and your boy have all the blessings you guys deserve.
May you never come anywhere close to my balls ever again.
