I dare you to catch razor butterflies

Anthologies

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Each time i switch on the teevee, it's like a mirror reflection. Have you guys realised how much the media has imitated our lives? It's like how they say Art is an Imitation of Life.

Pretty much screwed up my common tests. Didn't manage to complete my Plath essay but i felt ecstatic doing Unseen. Peculiar. However, whenever i feel "good" during a paper, chances are I would screw it up like Lit and Econs last year.

I cried in the morning today. For a pretty stupid reason. Just felt tears streaming down while in a tube trance.

And i unveil the First Installment of Cirque des Coeurs : TightRopes for TightLips
It was suppose to be a stanza, but my manager Ms Ismail thought it was powerful by itself. Thanks Ms Ismail for retaining its poetic intergrity. You're one of the few who appreciates my work, amateur or not.

TightRopes for TightLips

Shot.

The thin tightropes quiver
With the weight of a million hearts
each of red,
Illuminate.
Your bow brought up and elbows perpendicularly placed
My very own streaked red and white
A victim of senseless target practice.
Aim well, aim high
Make me fall askew into the embrace
of nets disguised as silk, yet are shards;
Cut me deep

Into a sleep.

caught a razor butterfly at - 12:14 AM |

Sophia, I Need Sophia

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Listening to Nerina Pallot can soothe any turbulent emotions within oneself.

Physical Geog was difficult, so i'm putting all my hopes on Human Geog. Damn.
Economics was a walk in a park, but somehow all my walks in the park turn out rather *spelch*
Biology literally annihilated all my faith in my H1 today. Essay wasn't even 1/4 finished, my structured questions had many blanks.

Maybe it was lack of focus.
Maybe it was my lack of study.

Plans of enjoying myself full frontal force is put on hold.
Pre-u sem pops up at the most unlikeliest of Saturdays, bloody shit.

Esther Tan Pei Ling. Would it suffice if i said you simply rock ! Thanks for all your encouragement! It validates the wonderful grades for A levels. I shall aspire to be you bestie!

& the phone's ringing,
your speaking to loudly
A silent chasm eats you
I'm not here

to listen

caught a razor butterfly at - 11:13 PM |

Intrigued

Monday, March 19, 2007

I found this line very intriguing , 'twas from LYD's

"I'm not really sure why people can continuously allow themselves to go through an ordeal over and over again."

I guess it really makes sense. Personally for me, the answer lies with familiarity. We relish in the fact that we can relate to such past grievances, thus we attain that familiarity by reliving the moment or in this case, ordeal, over and over again. The routine gives us assurance, that nothing out of the blue might shock us, thus causing us to miss our footing in taking such an ordeal into our stride.

My two cents worth anyway. I welcome different viewpoints on the above notion. I find it peculiar, that such a simple phrase piqued such an interest in me.

Yesterday for some reason or another, i felt like i needed to punch in the numbers of a nearest female comrade and just cry on the phone. But i refrained. I was not in a position to bother anyone. Anyway erratic moods during examinations is so passe. Succumbing to such a feeling was weird to tell you the truth.

God bless my little soul. I'll seek thee in time & make my mom proud of me, and you too divine Father.

caught a razor butterfly at - 7:28 PM |

Cravings

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I suddenly feel like eating a side of gorgeous golden scrambled eggs with toasted cheesy bread.
Looking out at the sea, with my 4/5 kids around me. Picking up my youngest boy and playing aeroplane with him. Kissing my wife on the cheeks and winking at her, foreshadowing the life of fun and family expected.

Anyone willing to be impregnated by me ?

Seriously, any life than a life in JC would suffice. I want to be 25. Living the life of work, dilemmas and failed relationships. I want to see my friends all grown-up, career-minded. I want to see myself, all grown-up and career-minded.

I won't deny the prospects of me being in army kind of terrifies me. The medical check up would freak me! I'm bloody unfit?

Life's like that.

Please don't let anything ruin my wonderful sunday this weekend.

caught a razor butterfly at - 1:24 PM |

The Dilemma Of Friendship

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I wonder if people actually still bother to read my blog.

I think I've come to a standstill in my life. The ones i once hold so dearly onto, have become somewhat emotional baggage. Friendships, nothing but tiresome delusions. It's funny, really. Sometimes i wish to just pop the question :

Are we still friends? Are we still as close as before ?

We often assume that measure of distance between us. Maybe its physical ; i rather think of it as emotional. I hope i don't seem callous with my words. It seems like our physical distance manifested into an emotional drift. Saddening.

But then there are friends like Esther. 11 years of friendship and still going strong. Her emails give me so much strength and just merely reading it allows me to plunge into the warmth. Why can't all friendships be like that ?

No I'm not ungrateful for the many connections I've made in school. Life without Noreen, Joyee, Deepa, Jings and Shaminah would be uninteresting, yet alone unspeakable ! I'm trying my best to rekindle to lost flames. But lately, baby it's you that brings me down. Maybe it's subconcious. I hope it is. I'm sorry. I'm afraid that we might not catch a glimpse of each other again, yet deep down inside of me, a little part of my heart says farewell thee, onward celebrations. Maybe my insensitive side is bidding farewell to the emotional burden attached to our frayed ends. I hope to see you again, before your take-off.

Help ? Anyone ?

baby, you gave me bed head instead
of the promises your emerald eyes spoke of.
we're both at the threshold, one step holds us back
and with each mouthed emotion
your heart yelps
I Love You
and all I can say;
me too.
It's mutual, innit ?

caught a razor butterfly at - 9:43 PM |

Dream Catcher

I think i have more or less come into terms with my zoological prospects in Singapore.
1-2-3 , say "KAPUUUT" !

Zilch, so if i ever were to pursue local tertiary education i can only foresee myself doing either English Literature or Psychology, with Gender Studies as my minor of course!

Well time to clean up my filthy sty and at least try to study to make my dreams possible.

Damn my entries are bloody banal.

caught a razor butterfly at - 12:43 PM |

Nostalgia 101

Friday, March 09, 2007

Two Papers down.

Lit was disastrous. It was really observant on Shaminah's part to realise i suddenly became very still during the exam and acted like the paper didn't matter. Truth was, it was true. My mind went frozen during the Unseens. God bless my scripts.

We had Last Years A Level paper as our GP CT.
Another God Bless.
AQ and Summary dug my grave. I was caught between " Discuss the appeal and value of cartoons or horror movies " and " How far has television shaped our lives ? ".
My mum was sure i would do the first question.
" It's so you, boy ! "
But i did the other instead.

I finally found my class photos which went on a long hiatus.

I suddenly feel nostalgic again. J1 was so worth it

eventhough it was my second time.

caught a razor butterfly at - 5:17 PM |

Right Brain Insane, Gonna Use My Left Brain Left Brain

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Literature Paper 1 tomorrow. Unseen And Othello. Whoopee ?

My cough is getting chronic and it's been like a month of coughing for me.
Maybe it's cancerous? Maybe it's my bronchitis relapsing? Maybe.

First time today i showed my true feelings. I was fuckin' pissed, for reasons not apparent.

Cut me deep into a sleep.
I like the pain; you have no idea
no amount of novocaine will coax

I need a vacation from being Jaryl.
It's tough being the whiny emo fuck EVERYONE steps on.
Being the BIGGEST pushover, yet not standing for my rights.

Worst thing is, I'm comfortable with it.

May you have a fucken' Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
I'm sure you deserve it.

caught a razor butterfly at - 7:09 PM |

King Lear Is Here To Fear

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The rain was torrential. All around me, the sky bled with opulence.
I was bloody soaked to the bone.

A small blue umbrella is so useless.
Yet, useful.

When it was too strong to bear,
I literally started laughing amidst the thunderous roaring rain.
Chuckled roared like the rain. I was a fool for a full five minutes.

I think God might be saying something.
My descend into madness is earlier than expected. Pray for me wee ones.

by the way, this ain't poetry, fools.

caught a razor butterfly at - 6:54 PM |

Désolé

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Désolé. Is that enough? To mutter such a foreign word at your face. Désolé. Adieu.

As I stare all blurry - eyed at my monitor, my vision can't help but double.
I'm sorry. I always thought that people out there owed me apologies, but i was just masquerading my folly. Nobody owes me anything, not even a penny. Why. Why? Why then do i batter myself up and mull over such trivialities?

I thought friendships were meant to last? But i find myself a loser in mending the frayed ends. I'm sorry for afflicting unnecessary pain upon you. I always knew my absence made you sad, but as such, its inevitable. Forgive me, I hope you find some place in your heart to forgive me as i try to forgive myself.

Maybe one day, as we think about each other and the ties woven through time, we would meet again, on wavelengths similar.
Poetic destruction inflames me. I'm tired of searching for myself throughout the week.
You knew i would fall down to my knees, yet somehow i got left behind to pick myself up.
Now i'm bruised, battered by my own insensitivity.
That's why. I'm rectifying the present so nobody else has to suffer our past.

Désolé. Désolé ?

Is it really good enough? I'll never know.

I hope you do.

caught a razor butterfly at - 11:53 PM |

My Zest Got Lost In My Vest

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Jolted out of my bed at 215am and watched ellen, tyra, scrubs and the simple life till 'bout 6.
Slept till 12pm.

Surprisingly, the atmosphere at PJC on friday was so much different from last year. In 2006 i witnessed the 2005 batch of pioneers bawling their eyes out in every direction, amidst the occasional scream and cheer.
It's really cool to actually see your friends succeed through the As. Definitely my inspiration for my own task ahead. I'm especially proud of Usha. You of all people deserve to do extremely well. Love you big sis!!
Not forgetting resident genius, Geralyn whom bagged straight As! I shall leech off her brain juices.
Bestie did tremendously well over at JJC.
And my friends from the EconsHistLit combi all did so fantastically well.

Next year, my name's gonna be flashed on the screen. I'll walk across the stage in glory and cry in the arms of my friends. I want it so bad. Not only for myself, but for my mom.

" I'll come up in life through you, boy "

Ran and walked several km today. I've not seen Dean since my birthday and Haziq since god knows when. But i don't feel obliged to meet. Don't get me wrong, my studies are flailing and i'll only feel comfortable meeting up with friends during the holidays.

Forgive me.

Jings reiterated what i said weeks ago.

"You don't need a lady to validate you..."

But lately i feel the need to be validated. To validate my masculinity, my testosterone levels, my existence. Sometimes i feel i don't even act like a guy.
Which guy aspires to read Women studies and Literature ?
I love Sylvia Plath. She's my inspiration for such aspirations.
We both have screwed up paternal backgrounds. We both feel weirdly connected to nature.
My poetic forms and creations often take after her.
I'm proud being me. I wish the people around me appreciate that.

I'm losing my zest. Lit and GP common tests next week.

Ace it boy, ace it.

caught a razor butterfly at - 9:07 PM |