I dare you to catch razor butterflies

Distance

Friday, June 29, 2007

I have the words to my new poem reverberating in my head since God-know-when but I have no physical and mental energy to write, yet alone to think.
I can feel a migraine in the distance, slowly throbbing, slowly eating my cerebral energy. For some reason, I feel the need to be cooped up and restrained.

I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone. I don't want to look at my phone for anonymously-known sms-es. I feel like I'm falling through a black hole, but the worst thing is, i want to be sucked in.

My body feels weird, like limped yet it moves. I pray i have the strength to walk tomorrow. I really want to go on that journey.

Stupid eyes that keep on crying even during cartoons. Lameass.

Fuck i have really no energy to type this anymore.

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caught a razor butterfly at - 3:08 PM |

Heroes 23 - How To Stop An Exploding Man

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Mohinder Suresh:

Where does it come from?
This quest?
This need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered.
Why are we here? What is the soul?
Why do we dream?
Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all.
Not delving, not yearning.
But that's not human nature, not the human heart.
That is not why we are here.
Yet still we struggle to make a difference, -- to change the world, to dream of hope.
Never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way.
Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand.
Touch our hearts…and share the pain of trying.

Once again, i cried during a series season finale. Maybe i feel that i've been on a journey with the characters. Lived each breath and seen each step. It's funny, funny that i feel so much from static images. My empath skills must mean that i can feel emotions from images and media associations. I think the epilogue made a lot of sense.

I always knew that deep down, this life is just the tip of the ice berg, that there are bigger things out there, waiting for me to conquer. I dreamt of being a superhero, having magical powers. I always wanted to be part of the X-men, but i failed to realise my own power is being me. I don't understand why back in the past, i insisted on being normal - banal would be a better representation but in fact, i've got bigger plans. I really can't wait to see what God has planned for me but at the same time, it instills this fear in me. I've to develop my faith, believe that i'm really a true hero.

Somehow, its my family and friends that always save me from a rut. They care and love me in a way i'll never reciprocate to myself. I have to get back on this journey. I need to discover myself and my surroundings all over again.

I want to cry because i feel sad. I want to cry because it feels good. I want to inspire with my writing and with my heart. My presence.
I really want to change the world, well maybe change my own world. I want to make my mother proud, just like the time back when i received those awards in Westwood. I want to beam with pride.

This will serve as a reminder of my heart and soul, the power to move forward.
I want to remember that Joyee, Deepa and Noreen are the true girls in my Junior College life.
I'm not forgetting Rezwana, Sharhana and Yina.
Lydia, Dean and Haziq - the 20 year olds who have shown me the way.

How can i say i'm not blessed? How can i say, i'm not going to be great?

God, I'm really happy you have given me this life. Though i've said mean things to you because of my father, i've realised you have given me so much strength to not end my life in blood and tears. I'll try my very best to make you proud, to be in your Home. I want to feel you again. I shall make that journey once more, and when i'm ready, i'll receive your body once more.
Till then, i'll pray in my little heart, that you take care of my mother , my sister and my brother.
I may not show it, but i need them the most now.

Mohinder Suresh:

So much struggle for meaning, for purpose.
And in the end, we find it only in each other -- our shared experience of the fantastic ... and the mundane ...
The simple human need to find a kindred ... to connect ... and to know in our hearts ...
... that we are not alone.

caught a razor butterfly at - 11:18 PM |

Let's Talk

Friday, June 08, 2007

Someone New is on repeat mode. The irony in it entices me. I've been thinking. Why bother ?

Why bother with being bothered to the bothered that bother to be bothered ?

I've been listening and internalizing. It's a curse from Satan and a blessing from God. Speaking of God, I've been wanting to go to church, yet, somehow i find myself farther from where i started. Wanting is not enough anymore. It doesn't suffice, unlike those days. Decked in white and tears. A broken bow tie - not torn. Don't you dare leave me though i might not understand those cuts in your eyes. Don't you dare leave me. You promised me on the phone a couple of years back and i thought i lost you for a moment, the moment is about to repeat.

I wasn't expecting myself to appear - how do you put it - sophisticated ? poetic ? Or in a manner oh so familiar with my Lit tutor, Plastic.
Yeah, we're all celluloid extrinsically. How else would we swipe ourselves for -

I haven't studied a bit. Not one bit.

I'm not doomed.

Cursed hormones , must i denounce thee ? Erm. I think i'm rather, horny ?
Girlfriends & Boyfriends, I want to pop them into my ears like the ipod i never had. Carry them like the bag i always wanted. Spend them like i have a million dollars accredited to my name.
Sometimes i hate being this way. My university options seem very bleak.

Geography - the study of how anthropogenic assholes affect our surroundings.
Literature - the study of your tolerance towards sharp-tongued diva-extraodinnaires.
Psychology - the relative discovery of how mental you are.

Yes if you haven't figured it out yet. I'm mad.
But with class.

You ?

caught a razor butterfly at - 1:49 AM |

Like A Good Book

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

It's like reading a good book. Flipping through the pages, taking yourself on a journey in your head. A journey so personal, only you would know what it feels like. Your heart does somersaults and scarlet tumbles, your bones dance to ivory and your eyes speak with the utmost truth any amber would bore.

A simple sit-and-go journey. I want to be on such a journey. Without the books of course. A physical terrain full of flora and fauna waiting for me to scrape and nick myself through. I want to run on bridges and watch it collapse with each precarious step i take. I want to see the lemurs again and watch them blow spit bubbles through the foliage. Snapdragons and Sea dragons await my gentle kiss, if only i could, or rather would make the cut.

Watch the balloons speak in child-like vowels, spinning in cosmic auroras. I want to dance under the stars. Waltzing amidst swans and glass cages, our bodies snaking through the tangibles, towards the intangibles. I would fizz, like a bottle of your antique champagne. I would bubble and froth in you. I'll be pumping in your veins, each little red drop reads me, speaks of me, is me.

The clouds would spell out papa faces, trees dancing the cha-cha around giant gibbons. We would clamor in unison with the song of the wild and grow wings, flying through the cotton-candy sky.

It's like reading a book. Watching the black-on-white dance slowly but meticulously on a paper-thin stage. Words skipping by, beats of the author's heartache, songs of the poet's heart aching. It's like reading a book, a book you've never read before and would never intend to.

It's like reading a book. Aloud. Aloud like my eulogy.
Gold and Purple dreams.

caught a razor butterfly at - 3:50 PM |

It's Been A While

Monday, June 04, 2007

Well, it certainly been sometime since i last updated. A myriad of things happened, from Pre-University Seminar to Hikari's Birthday Party.

A playground of glowsticks, neon hearts in darkness.
Cake and cupcakes of sweet sins ; one-eighth oh heart.
Spin-the-bottle kisses and love brawls in truth.
Kiss of afros and the kissed.

Cut-connections in the tress, new found heart blaze, one happy boy

I like to keeps things disjointed and poetic/riddle-lesque.

Been feeling like i want to fall in love all over again. To rid me from the truths of my brainjuiceheartache hormones.

Care to share a kiss, miss ?

caught a razor butterfly at - 4:00 AM |